Monday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2011

Hey everybody! How was your weekend? Yeah, I hear that. Well, that's about as much banter as I can muster today. How about you read some jokes, and just imagine that I said something about my new boxers (yes, they're still amazing).

In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn,  who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.

In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!

While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.

Big news in the middle east, this week, too. In Abu Dhabi, the founder of the Blackwater "security" company recently landed a contract with the government to raise and maintain an 800-man private army of foreign fighters, loyal only to the government. So, that's good news for democracy.

In "beautiful on the outside" news, it turns out a contender for this year's Miss USA title had to drop out after authorities charged her with three counts of identity theft. That's too bad, as I was really looking forward to her talent demonstration on how to fix your credit scores.

Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...

Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.

Lastly, have you all seen the advertisements around the country claiming the world will end this Saturday? Well, it turns out they're all from one retired subway engineer who spent his entire life savings to pay for the apocalyptic ads. But if the world is ending this weekend, then I don't understand why he didn't just pay for it all with his credit card. I know a way to fix that sort of thing.

Okay, I have no more jokes for you today. How about you come back tomorrow and see what we've got? In the meantime, you can tell your friends and amaze them with your coolness. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen.

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!