Monday Morning Monologue - January 10, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Researchers at Ohio State University found that students say they prefer receiving praise to drinking, having sex or earning money. The study also revealed that students really enjoy lying to researchers.

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 30, 2010

Alright, let's get to it.

A recent poll revealed that 20% of Americans want the government to regulate the Internet in the same way that the FCC regulates broadcast television. Coincidentally, that's the same percentage of Americans who want those damn kids to stay off their lawn.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 29, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


In a diplomatic cable sent last year, Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai said he longs for the “golden age” of President Bush’s first few years in office. When asked to explain his comments, Karzai said “really, I just miss the music of N’Sync. Plus, we’ve got the bar set pretty low for ‘golden ages’ in a place like Afghanistan.”

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


The East Coast is digging itself out from under massive snow drifts after this weekend’s blizzard. New Yorkers aren't complaining though, as the snow is blocking the smell of the homeless people. Also, now they look like snowmen. Sad, angry snowmen.

Monday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2010

Alright, lets’ get to it.


Due to a massive blizzard on the east coast, hundreds of flights have been cancelled, stranding thousands of passengers across the country. On the upside, the TSA is offering free pat-downs for bored, lonely travelers.


Janet Napolitano announced that in addition to the pat-downs, the full body scanners will remain in place permanently. She did admit that the scanners are unable to detect certain types of explosives, but they’re getting really good at finding nipple piercings.