Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2013

Tensions are running high in Gibraltar after recent disputes about artificial reefs and queuing time at the border with Spain. A team from the European Union has been dispatched with instructions to be on the lookout for anyone who actually gives a shit.

Switzerland stopped a sale of ski lifts to North Korea yesterday. So there goes Pyongyang's plan to build the world's most repressive ski resort.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just signed a law banning doctors from using therapies designed to convert gay people to straight. But he really just banned it because it would have been paid for by Obamacare.

In Ohio, a man purchased a gun safe on the Internet, and when it was delivered he found 285 pounds of marijuana stashed inside. And we only know about this story because that man is the least cool person on the planet.

The CIA recently released documents indicating the agency was responsible for the 1953 Iranian coup, which proves that one point in time the CIA was, in fact, responsible for something.

In England and Wales, the age limit for jurors was just raised to 75. So, look for a lot more convictions for whippersnappering and general lawn-harassment.

Actor Dick Van Dyke was uninjured after his car caught fire in Los Angeles. Angela Lansbury is already investigating.

And finally, there is a push underway in Seattle to get the minimum wage raised to $15, or as it is known in Seattle "One Latte."

That's it.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2013

Archaeologists revealed evidence recently that French winemaking actually comes from Italy. Still no word on where they got the arrogance.

A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.

Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.

Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.

In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.

Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.

President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.

And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.

That's all.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 29, 2013

According to the Iranian news agency, the nation's space program succeeded in launching a monkey into space. The monkey, which made it back to earth safely, was reportedly overjoyed at being shot into space and really enjoyed itself, until it figured out that it was going to have to come back down and live in Iran again.

A bizarre trial is getting underway in Russia for a whistleblower, Sergei Magnitsky, who is actually dead. Magnitsky's lawyers are hopeful for his chances, however. Best case scenario: he gets life.

Toyota announced that 2012 was a banner year. The auto behemoth managed to sell nearly 9.75 million vehicles, which is slightly more than they recalled.

The New York City school bus drivers union is undergoing a major overhaul, with seniority no longer playing as big a role in determining assignments. So, look for New York City school buses to stop driving with the left turn signal on.

In Norway, a tunnel will be closed for several weeks after a massive truckload of sweet cheese caught fire. Repair crews are standing by with little bits of bread and fruit.

A teacher in Ohio is in trouble for posting a picture online of a student whose mouth he had duct taped shut. Apparently teachers in the district are not supposed to use their cell phones at work.

At a school in Pennsylvania, male students must now ask for toilet paper each time they go to the bathroom. The school took the paper out of the bathrooms in an attempt to cut down on vandalism. They haven't, however, removed all of the Glade Potpourri Spray Paint cans.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America announced they are considering allowing openly gay children and adults to be involved in the organization. Although, if they were really serious about getting gay people involved, they'd get rid of those ridiculous shorts.

And that's it!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 2, 2012

Let's make this fast and weird.

Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.

In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."

But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.

A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.

The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.

The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.

A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.

Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.

And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.

That's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2012

Fair warning, these jokes might reveal something of a political bias. You've been warned. And now, JOKES!

Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.

In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.

Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.

Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.

Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.

In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.

Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.

And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.

That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2012

Anything happen yesterday?

Former Senator Rick Santorum added "Former Candidate" to his name as he officially suspended his campaign after someone told him that running for President made you gay.

In Miami, Marlins' coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended after praising Fidel Castro, because the Marlins organization won't get behind anyone who stifles free expression. Also, his pitching is crap.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers just announced that they're endorsing President Obama for re-election. Pitchfork called the endorsement derivative of their last endorsement, and Rolling Stones said it was their worst endorsement in years.

That band sucks.

Ashley Judd went after the gossip media for fixating on her "puffy" face recently. She wrote an angry essay for the Daily Beast, which is a bold move for someone fighting the perception that she's losing her looks.

English Rugby chairman Richard Lewis was hired to head Wimbeldon, so look for that to be a lot more interesting next year.

The White House is pushing the new "Buffett Rule" for taxes, which would require you to use a clean plate each time you pay your taxes.

Statistically, speaking, one-fifth of third graders now own a cell phone, which is why your new auto-correct dictionary includes the word "cooties" but not "job."

And finally, the Iranian government announced it will be cutting the country off entirely from the Internet by August, so enjoy Iran's top celebrity gossip blog, SnarkyFarsi.com, while you can.

And that's it. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2012

It's late and I'm tired. Here are some jokes.

In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.

Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.

Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."

Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!

Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.

In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.

DAMN YOU, UNITED!

In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.

And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.

There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012

One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!

PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?

In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.

Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.

Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"

The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.

Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.

In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.

And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.

BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011

Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 22, 2011

You know how sometimes you forget that it's Monday? Well, that's what I did yesterday. It was pretty awesome. I suggest you try it sometime. And now back to jokes.

Scandal in the GOP presidential race! Mitt Romney admitted that he drank beer and tried cigarettes when he was younger. Well, that explains why he's losing. Apparently he never watched the ABC Afterschool Specials.

In related GOP news, the newly resurgent Newt Gingrich, who now leads in primary polls, said he sees himself as Washington's "Braveheart." I'm guessing Newt didn't finish watching that movie.

The congressional "super committee" charged with reducing the deficit by $1.2 trillion over the next ten years worked through the weekend on an elusive budget compromise. Because it just takes one great all-nighter to wipe away decades of entrenched partisan dogma and animosity.

Or not. The super committee announced yesterday that they have failed to reach a deficit-reduction deal. Assuming that the average salary for a member of Congress is $174,000 and that they spend an average of 175 days actually working each year, that means we paid the 12 members of the super committee nearly $24,000 to not come up with a solution to the deficit crisis. That's $24,000 that we will have to borrow from China. To not reach a solution. That means we'd have been better off buying them all dinner and sending them to the premier of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Not only would that have put money back into local economies, it would have shown Congress that we're serious. Either do your job, or we'll make you watch a shitty movie like Twilight again.

In a related story, Congress is so unpopular with Americans that they're attempting to rehabilitate the public image of Congress by having a puppy-eating contest. That's pretty unpopular, right? If eating puppies will make them more popular. Okay.

China announced they will be sending a pair of Pandas to Edinburgh. It's part of a plan to see how Pandas handle alcoholism, unemployment and methadone withdrawal.

Global financial markets fell again yesterday as investors realized the same people were in charge that were in charge three years ago.

Iran raised eyebrows this week when representatives pulled out of the Nuke-free Mideast talks when they realized the purpose of the talks wasn't to bring nukes to the Middle east.

Popstar and cultural icon Lady Gaga is set to receive the LGBT "Hero" honor, which guarantees that she will be remembered in perpetuity through drag shows in poorly-lit bars.

An international health study found that 40% of the world does not have access to a toilet, which means they've never been to Boston. BOOM! Take that, Boston!

And finally, a judge in the UK ordered members of the press to stay away from Hugh Grant's new baby and her mother, saying that journalists should "treat them like you would a story on AIDS research or financial reforms."

Okay, that's all. Hope you enjoyed this super-sized edition. Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow. Or maybe I'll forget. Who can tell!? Okay, until whenever, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 8, 2011

Good morning, friends and strangers! And good morning to my stranger friends. You know who you are. But who am I to judge? After all, I wrote these ridiculous jokes, which you're about to read. Enjoy!

In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.

Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.

A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.

Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.

In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.

At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.

International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.

And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.

And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 4, 2011

Great. Let's do this.

Big drug news in the U.K. this week, as authorities intercepted a yacht with over a ton of cocaine on board. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen said "Wait, was it white with blue pinstripes?! Oh, shit. This weekend is gonna suck now."

Meanwhile, political reforms continue in Cuba, as a new law passed allowing Cubans to purchase homes. Now, if only there was a law that allowed them to have some money.

A recent story about the deficient IQs of web-surfers who use Microsoft Internet Explorer story was a hoax meant to ridicule people for using the outdated browser. Fortunately, most IE users are too dumb to know it.

Congress adjourned for the summer, leaving the Federal Aviation Administration unfunded and unable to effectively manage American air travel. Apparently everyone in Congress will be driving home this summer.

Back to the Internet, Missouri recently passed a law banning teachers from communicating with their students over Facebook, much to the disappointment of that one math teacher you had. You know who I'm talking about.

In international police news, a worldwide child pornography ring was shut down this week, and over 70 people were arrested, much to the disappointment of that one... yeah, you know.

In crazy dictator news, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez shaved his head this week, calling it his "new look." He then went on to add, "and the curtains match the carpet, ladies."

And lastly, in other crazy dictator news, Iranian "leader" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in an interview this week, "When we say we don't want to build an atomic bomb it means we really do not want to build an atomic bomb," adding "WINK!"

That's it for me this week! I'll see you Monday, and Spencer will be here tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 21, 2011

Hello, Thursday!

A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.

British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.

The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.

The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?

In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.

In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?

And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary.  It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.

That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2011

Alright, team. Stay focused. We're doing great. By the way, have you voted yet for your favorite contestant on The Voice? I really hope that Cee-Lo's mohawk wins it all. Anyway, let's have some intentional jokes now...

Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.

On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?

A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.

Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.

In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.

Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine

Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.

And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:

• "Fooled Again"
• "No Second Thoughts"
• "You Can Still Change Your Mind"
• "A Wasted Life"
• "The Damage You've Done"
• "All The Wrong Reasons"
• "Makin' Some Noise"
• "Zero from Outer Space"
• "Asshole"
• "Won't Last Long"
• "No More"
• "Money Become King"
• "When a Kid Goes Bad"
• "Yer So Bad"
• and of course, "Don't Come Around Here No More"

That's all for today! Come back tomorrow, unless you're too busy running down a dream.

Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011

It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?

In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.

In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!

The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right  Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.

In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...

In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.

Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!

Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"

Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!

Have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011

Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.

Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!

I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.

Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.

In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.

On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...

In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.

In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.

Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?

And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.

That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!

Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/

Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 26, 2011

Welcome to your Thursday, you Internet people. I'm a little torn up about the cancellation of The Event, so there won't be much banter from me today. Maybe it'll be back. I don't know. Things like that make you question your faith in NB... oh, right. Never mind.

A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.

In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!

In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.

In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.

In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.

A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?

Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."

And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?

Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.

And don't forget the sunblock!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011

Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.

So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
 

Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
 

Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
 

This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
 

Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
 

At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
 

Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
 

And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
 

A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2011

Hoo, boy. It's Tuesday, and we've got a great blog for you. Here's some real things that happened, but with fake stuff added for comedic effect:

The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.

In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.

In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."

In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.

In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.

In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.

China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."

Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!

That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.

Aloha!