Let's get serious. Right after this.
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
Showing posts with label whitney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label whitney. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 2, 2012
Let's make this fast and weird.
Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.
In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."
But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.
A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.
The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.
The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.
A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.
Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.
And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.
That's all!
Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.
In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."
But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.
A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.
The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.
The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.
A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.
Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.
And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.
That's all!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2012
Check this out. It's jokes and such.
In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.
If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.
Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.
Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.
In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.
Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.
A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."
Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.
And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!
See you tomorrow, friends!
In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.
If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.
Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.
Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.
In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.
Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.
A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."
Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.
And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!
See you tomorrow, friends!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012
Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.
Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?
In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.
In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.
And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.
That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012
Let the weird and fast continue!
Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.
Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.
Whitney sucks.
Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm Face.com. No word yet on their attempts to purchase Book.com. Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."
Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.
Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.
Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.
Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.
And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.
Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012
One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!
PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?
In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.
Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.
Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"
The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.
Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.
In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.
And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.
BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."
PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?
In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.
Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.
Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"
The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.
Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.
In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.
And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.
BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 13, 2012
Crap. The Grammy's were on last night, and once again, like every year, I totally forgot to give a shit. I'm sure someone will tell me who won, and I'm fairly sure that, once again this week, it wasn't Tom Brady.
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2012
Yesterday I stayed home sick from work, and made the mistake of falling asleep while watching a two-hour documentary on Fatty Arbuckle. I had some weird dreams, and now I get nervous any time someone offers me a soda. Thankfully that doesn't happen often. Okay, now for some made up stuff mixed in with true stuff for comedic effect.
The newest issue of Psychological Science published a study linking low I.Q. to racism, prejudice and conservatism. No word yet if there's also a correlation to the enjoyment of Whitney.
Lisa Marie Presley said yesterday that she wants to make a better Elvis film than those that have previously been made. Also, she wants to pay her rent.
In earth news, geologists are trying to use recent volcanic eruptions to predict if and when a "super volcano" may erupt. Or, they could just watch SyFy on any Saturday afternoon.
French presidential candidate Francois Hollande was flour-bombed while on the campaign trail. Mimes are suspected.
Because of their white faces.
The New Jersey city of Hoboken officially denied filming permits to a new Jersey Shore spinoff. Mayor Zimmer was praised for taking this stand to defend the local douchebag industry.
Comic publisher DC is releasing a series of prequels to the seminal Watchmen series this summer. Writer Grant Morrison is demanding they include Batman.
Because he friggin' loves Batman.
In television news, Heather Locklear is set to join the cast of Downtown Abbey. Things are about to get sexy.
And finally, Mitt Romney said yesterday that he's "not focused on the poor," probably because they don't have any money. Thanks for the honesty, Mitt.
And that's it for me! I'll see you on Monday! Till then, have a Coke and a Smile!
The newest issue of Psychological Science published a study linking low I.Q. to racism, prejudice and conservatism. No word yet if there's also a correlation to the enjoyment of Whitney.
Lisa Marie Presley said yesterday that she wants to make a better Elvis film than those that have previously been made. Also, she wants to pay her rent.
In earth news, geologists are trying to use recent volcanic eruptions to predict if and when a "super volcano" may erupt. Or, they could just watch SyFy on any Saturday afternoon.
French presidential candidate Francois Hollande was flour-bombed while on the campaign trail. Mimes are suspected.
Because of their white faces.
The New Jersey city of Hoboken officially denied filming permits to a new Jersey Shore spinoff. Mayor Zimmer was praised for taking this stand to defend the local douchebag industry.
Comic publisher DC is releasing a series of prequels to the seminal Watchmen series this summer. Writer Grant Morrison is demanding they include Batman.
Because he friggin' loves Batman.
In television news, Heather Locklear is set to join the cast of Downtown Abbey. Things are about to get sexy.
And finally, Mitt Romney said yesterday that he's "not focused on the poor," probably because they don't have any money. Thanks for the honesty, Mitt.
And that's it for me! I'll see you on Monday! Till then, have a Coke and a Smile!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012
Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011
Good morning, friends! Doing anything inappropriate today? Sure hope so. You can start by laughing inappropriately loudly at these jokes and sending them to an inappropriate number of your friends. Commence enjoyment!
In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.
Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.
Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.
In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.
Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!
In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.
And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."
And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.
Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.
And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.
Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.
Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.
In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.
Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!
In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.
And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."
And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.
Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.
And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012
Well, with 89% of precincts reporting, I still don't care about the Iowa Caucus. So don't expect any jokes about it today. Maybe I'll give a damn tomorrow. But I do give a damn about these jokes. Read them and enjoy, or not.
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011
Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."
Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.
Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.
And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.
That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 13, 2011
Hey, how about Buffalo? Did you know they have their own bread? It's called "weck." Yep. That's a true story. Everyone else calls it a Kaiser roll. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you get stuck at the Buffalo airport? Oh, and also, you can write jokes. Jokes like these:
Schools in southern California are reporting a surge in tuba thefts. Police are looking for suspicious people with tuba-shaped bulges under their shirts.
Biologists have finally discovered how large birds, like the ostrich and emu, are able to sustain erections without blood flowing to the member. One of the proud discoverers said of the announcement, “Yep, we figured it out. Now can we please stop studying bird erections?”
Speaking of bird boners, Fear Factor is back on NBC, forcing contestants to confront their fears and endure disgusting trials for big cash prizes. On next week’s premier, contestants will be forced to watch an entire episode of Whitney.
Election observers in the Ivory Coast reported a low turnout in their recent parliamentary elections. But come on, turnout is always low for elections in non-coup years.
Last week, a judge ordered a French man who is obsessed with Kirsten Dunst to stay away from the actress. And to make sure this obsession ends, the stalker will be forced to watch Spider-Man 3 and Elizabethtown. That should take care of it.
Speaking of particle physics, the Higgs boson particle was finally seen at the Large Hadron Colider. It was spotted with Ryan Reynolds, but then again, who hasn’t been?
Remember Lindsay Lohan? She said recently that she realizes now she should have listened more to people offering her advice, and that she could have avoided most of her problems if she’d just made better decisions. The full interview will be published in next month’s issue of No Shit magazine.
And finally, North Korea warned South Korea not to put up Christmas lights on a South Korean observation tower at the Demilitarized Zone, saying that such a display would cause “unexpected consequences.” In case you were wondering, that is what a War on Christmas actually looks like. Happy Holidays, people.
Yep. That ends Tuesday's blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2011
Hey, how are you doing? Yes, you specifically. Are you having a great day? Goodness, it's difficult to feign interest. But then again, you're reading this, aren't you? And now for jokes...
Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.
Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.
In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.
In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.
In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.
UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."
"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.
In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.
And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.
Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!
Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.
Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.
In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.
In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.
In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.
UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."
"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.
In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.
And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.
Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011
Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.
The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.
In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.
New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.
Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.
A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.
In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.
NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.
And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!
And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!
The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.
In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.
New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.
Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.
A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.
In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.
NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.
And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!
And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!
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