A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.
Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?
In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."
A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.
South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.
A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.
Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.
In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.
And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.
And that's all.
Showing posts with label fukushima. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fukushima. Show all posts
Monday, September 9, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2013
German economists suspect that Greece will have to have another bailout to fully recover. That's the downside of having your bailouts provided by Lay's Potato Chips: no one can have just one!
In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.
If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.
In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.
Again, good people will enjoy that joke.
Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.
In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.
Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.
In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.
And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.
God Save The Queen.
In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.
If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.
In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.
Again, good people will enjoy that joke.
Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.
In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.
Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.
In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.
And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.
God Save The Queen.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013
Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012
You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.
A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.
In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.
T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.
A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on Orbitz.com than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.
A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.
Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.
Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.
And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.
C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 10, 2011
Things remained generally bad all over this week, but I think we all can agree that Pia's getting voted off American Idol was probably the worst thing that happened. In Libya, they stopped shooting for a moment just to remind each other that if they wanted their favorites to stay, they needed to be sure to call in and text their votes.
Japan has banned planting rice in contaminated soil. The group most likely to be affected by this are the asian restaurants, which had started asking customers if they wanted brown rice or really brown rice... It’s kind of funny to me that the government had to ban planting in irradiated soil. That means there were some farmers out there who were just saying “Let’s see what happens!” All those weird Japanese monster movies and anime should start with a scene of farmers planting rice in contaminated soil with a subtitle “He ate a bad sushi roll.” It would automatically explain everything that happened in the movie. “It’s a pink tentacle that rapes because its insecure at not having been able to grow up as a regular green tentacle thanks to that contaminated rice, man. Keep up. This shizz is happening every day.”
Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”
The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.
Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”
The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.
I’m not making this up: Blue Man Group have started their own preschool for their kids. They didn’t feel the other schools in New York were creative enough for their kids. Man. One of the only things worse than being home schooled would be being home schooled by Blue Man Group. The only thing worse than being homeschooled by Blue Man Group is being homeschooled by Blue Man Group at the Blue Man Group school.... Admission is 28,000 dollars, but before you balk at the price, remember that's going to pay for all the blue body paint you and your kids are going to use that year. It’s also the best way to make sure your child gets into the more competitve Blue Man Academies.
We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.
We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.
That's it for now. Don't forget to come back all week for more jokes from Seth and Spencer!
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