Monday Morning Monologue - September 9, 2013

A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.

Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?

In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."

A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.

South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.

A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.

Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.

In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.

And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.

And that's all.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.

Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.

In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.

In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"

In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.

He should have at least added "habit-forming."

Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.

A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.

And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.

And thanks for reading!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012

You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.

A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.

In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.

T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.

A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on Orbitz.com than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.

A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.

Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.

Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.

And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.

C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.