Rage-o-Meter: The Rock-Tsarnayev Edition

I simply cannot resist the urge to comment on this, if for no other reason than it gives me the opportunity to use the phrase "TrollingStone magazine." Which I will do now.

Music and culture journalism bastion TrollingStone magazine actually managed to something a little bit punk rock this week, possibly on purpose. Their new cover features a dreamy image of accused Boston bombing suspect Dzokhar Tsarnayev, using a photo that could just as easily have been snapped at an after-hours dubstep show in Williamsburg. Not that I'd know. The offending image:

Let's leave aside the fact that "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" was a tired phrase 6 years ago, that Magna Carta will someday be viewed as a work of genius (whether we like it or not), and that THE ARCTIC ICE MELT GETS THE SAME AMOUNT OF SPACE AS GUY CLARK JR. Put that all out of your mind for the moment, so we can get back to literally judging this book by its cover.

Just look at him. All smug and self-assured. He really does look like a douchebag from an unadvertised underground bar you'll never be cool enough to get into. How dare RollingStone elevate him like that. Wait, hold on a second. Okay, they do go on to call him "The Bomber," which could be a cool DJ name, but then they say "How a Popular, Promising Student Was Failed by His Family, Fell Into Radical Islam and Became a Monster." Well, that's not very flattering. But still, putting an accused murderer on the cover of one of our most cherished (for some reason) national magazines is not something we would ever tolerate.

Hey, is that Hitler?

Hmm. That's odd, right? Genocidal mass murderer, despotic tyrant, two-time coverboy? Maybe Time just has a weird Hitler hangup. Like how Huffington Post can't stop putting up stories about Ann Coulter. They just have a kind of Hitler fetish. Oh, wait a tic. Here comes Stalin.

That's a lot of Stalins.

Oh, and how appropriate that LIFE put Stalin on the cover, since life is something for which he had no regard. So it's not just Hitler. And it's not just Time. Could there be more examples?

And of course:

It's almost as if these magazines were somehow trying to grab the attention of their readers with provocative images and text in order to get them to purchase and read stories about current events. But does it work? Somehow Time and Newsweek largely (mostly) survived the massive boycotts that surely came as a result of these covers shown here (wait, there were none), and RollingStone will survive its latest attempts to trick people into reading the news. It's unfortunate and unavoidable when journalists offend their readers. Well, mainly its unavoidable.

If I were an editor at RollingStone (side note: I'm available!) I wouldn't lose much sleep over CVS or Walgreens or Wal-Mart or anyone else refusing to carry this issue. I'd thank my lucky stars for the free press and count the Internet traffic that comes rolling in, so to speak. Maybe that's the point. Or maybe it's just punk.

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2012

Good times are here again, people. It's Ladies' Night here at Late Night Morning, so help yourself to some shitty beer. I don't even know what that means. Let's dance! I mean, how about some jokes?

A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.

Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.

In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.

Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.

He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.

Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.

Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.

And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!

That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2011

Happy Tuesday, unless you're in London, in which case, LOOK OUT! Here's some jokes.

A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.

Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.

For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.

Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.

Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.

In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...

Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!

And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"

That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2011

We all need a distraction from time to time. Today, like every other day, it's gonna be jokes.

Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.

A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.

The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.

Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"

The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.

Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.

Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.

And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.

That's all for today! See you tomorrow!