A Scottish study found that having more friends on Facebook led to more stress. "Scotland: Home of the Downer."
U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.
It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.
Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.
In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.
Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.
Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.
And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.
End.
Showing posts with label bear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bear. Show all posts
Monday, November 26, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011
Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."
Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.
Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.
And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.
That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 14, 2011
No time for banter today. Just jokes.
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is working on a new spaceflight company. Paul, if ever there was a time to prevent crashes, this is it.
Speaking of software giants, the papers from Apple's founding sold at auction for $1.6 million. Steve Wozniak got nothing.
In Vancouver, a bear was seen riding on a garbage truck yesterday. Cops removed him once they realized he wasn't a member of the government employee union. Rules are rules, bear.
The U.S. Mint is phasing out gold coins, much to the disappointment of pirates.
Derek Jeter reportedly had been giving autographed balls to women he has over night stands with. That may seem cold and impersonal, but it's a lot better than the souvenir A-Rod has been giving out.
That would be herpes.
In other health news, rapper 50 Cent is releasing a new health guidebook. It's called Get Fit or Die Trying.
CBS is expanding Face the Nation to one hour, probably because Americans have larger faces today.
And finally, the Oscar award Orson Welles won for Citizen Kane is going up for auction, reminding us all that no matter how great you are in this life, eventually strangers will end up paying through your possessions in search of trinkets. If only there was some sort of film that could drive that message home... Oh well. Maybe someday.
And that's all. Thanks for a great year! See you tomorrow!
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is working on a new spaceflight company. Paul, if ever there was a time to prevent crashes, this is it.
Speaking of software giants, the papers from Apple's founding sold at auction for $1.6 million. Steve Wozniak got nothing.
In Vancouver, a bear was seen riding on a garbage truck yesterday. Cops removed him once they realized he wasn't a member of the government employee union. Rules are rules, bear.
The U.S. Mint is phasing out gold coins, much to the disappointment of pirates.
Derek Jeter reportedly had been giving autographed balls to women he has over night stands with. That may seem cold and impersonal, but it's a lot better than the souvenir A-Rod has been giving out.
That would be herpes.
In other health news, rapper 50 Cent is releasing a new health guidebook. It's called Get Fit or Die Trying.
CBS is expanding Face the Nation to one hour, probably because Americans have larger faces today.
And finally, the Oscar award Orson Welles won for Citizen Kane is going up for auction, reminding us all that no matter how great you are in this life, eventually strangers will end up paying through your possessions in search of trinkets. If only there was some sort of film that could drive that message home... Oh well. Maybe someday.
And that's all. Thanks for a great year! See you tomorrow!
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