Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.
United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.
eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.
In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.
Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.
New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.
A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.
And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.
That's it! See you next week!
Showing posts with label diamonds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diamonds. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 12, 2011
Did everyone have a great weekend? I'm pretty sure I explicitly told everyone who reads this blog to have a great weekend. So, I really hope you did it. Because I'm a megalomaniac. And now, jokes.
On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"
In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.
Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.
Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.
Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.
In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."
Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.
And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...
On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"
In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.
Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.
Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.
Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.
In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."
Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.
And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011
Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!
WHAT A GREAT CROWD. HACK_BOT HAS NOT SEEN THIS MANY STUFFED SHIRTS SINCE ALL THOSE BUSINESS JERKS GOT SENT TO THE TAXIDERMIST! THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS, RIGHT? THE ECONOMY!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
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