Well. A little bit has transpired since last I wrote in this blog. It's like we're living in a weird alternate universe, like the place a sci-fi protagonist has to escape from to get back to the "real" reality. It's incredibly surreal, but we now live in a world where the Cubs won the World Series.
Some other shit happened, too, but past is merely prologue and the present is just a prolapse.
Here's some jokes.
In the opening shot of a new North American trade war, Taco Bell announced they will soon be selling beer in Canada. Unfortunately, to get the beer you will have to purchase Taco Bell. Canada was still reeling from the WTO ruling that the sale of Tim Horton's coffee was considered "dumping."
Scientists have created an artificial womb to help premature babies develop after birth. The device was based on research discovered at a defunct lab dedicated to finding new weird-ass places for Michael Jackson to sleep.
Failed CEO Marissa Mayer's stake in failed internet giant Yahoo is now valued at $186 million. But that's nothing compared to the stock options Pres. Trump will cash in when he sells us off.
Fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle announced sales growth this year, and is exploring a new dessert option: Death By Chocolate. It's a departure from their previous after-dinner treat: Wish You Were Dead By Diarrhea.
Pres. Trump is re-evaluating how U.S. national monuments are created and how we can go about adding shitty golf courses to them.
China recently launched it's first domestically built aircraft carrier. The ship is a major coup for the Chinese manufacturing industry, which managed to build the entire thing out of old iPhone 6 parts.
Former Pres. Obama is in hot water with progressives after accepting $400,000 for a private speech to a Wall Street bank. They'd be even more pissed off if they knew that the speech was delivered via an unmanned drone strike.
The U.S. military is installing a "missile defense" system in South Korea in preparation for the upcoming Korean War II. Alan Alda is already at work on the M*A*S*H reboot.
The Trump administration has a record number of vacant positions, which is extremely frustrating for Russian spies.
Ivanka Trump was jeered in Germany for defending her father at a recent public meeting. And this is a nation that is still on board with David Hasselhoff's chest hair and leather shorts.
Pres. Trump is proposing changes to the tax law that would increase the number of deductions people can take. Some people accused Trump of self-dealing, but he will actually be unable to take advantage of the changes as they only apply to people who pay taxes.
Michael Flynn is hoping that Turkish Lira are going to be deductible. Or at least that they'll be accepted in the prison commissary.
/end
Showing posts with label germany. Show all posts
Showing posts with label germany. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)
Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2013
German economists suspect that Greece will have to have another bailout to fully recover. That's the downside of having your bailouts provided by Lay's Potato Chips: no one can have just one!
In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.
If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.
In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.
Again, good people will enjoy that joke.
Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.
In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.
Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.
In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.
And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.
God Save The Queen.
In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.
If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.
In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.
Again, good people will enjoy that joke.
Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.
In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.
Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.
In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.
And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.
God Save The Queen.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 1, 2013
Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2013
Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is trying to push through legislation to rename Mt. McKinley. It probably won't work, but she had to give it a shot.
Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.
Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.
Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.
Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.
After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.
A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.
And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."
Thanks a lot, Obama.
That's it!
Clothing store H&M posted lower-than-expected profits due to increased costs and people not wanting to wear crappy clothing.
Chesapeake Energy CEO Aubrey McLendon will step down on April 1, making it a really great April Fool's Joke, but mainly just for Chesapeake shareholders.
Germany just marked the 80th anniversary of Hitler's rise to power. The economy actually saw a small bump of improvement because skyrocketing sales for apology cards. Especially those in Polish and Russian.
Nintendo said that their projected sales for the new Wii U were too optimistic. In other words, they were a wee bit high.
After a "successful" satellite launch by North Korea, South Korea recently stepped up and launched their own satellite. In a related story, Seoul is looking into adding more political prison camps.
A recent study revealed that reading can raise a child's IQ by up to six points, so he'll have a better understanding of the physics behind the wedgies he gets.
And finally, Jim Nabors, AKA "Gomer Pyle, USMC," just married his male partner of 38 years. Nabors would have made it official earlier, but, you know, "don't ask don't tell."
Thanks a lot, Obama.
That's it!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013
Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 16, 2013
Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012
In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012
Fire the jokes!
Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.
A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.
Thanks a lot, Obama!
Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.
At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.
In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.
Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.
In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."
And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?
CAN YOU!?
Later.
Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.
A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.
Thanks a lot, Obama!
Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.
At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.
In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.
Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.
In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."
And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?
CAN YOU!?
Later.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 3, 2012
Funny business found below:
Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.
Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.
In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.
Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.
Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.
There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.
Because of the sugary drink law.
In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.
And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.
Funny business found above:
Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.
Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.
In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.
Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.
Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.
There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.
Because of the sugary drink law.
In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.
And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.
Funny business found above:
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 23, 2012
Joy! It's joke time again!
Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."
Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.
A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.
In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.
Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.
Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."
Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."
And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.
Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?
Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."
Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.
A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.
In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.
Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.
Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."
Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."
And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.
Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012
Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012
You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.
A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.
In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.
T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.
A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on Orbitz.com than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.
A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.
Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.
Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.
And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.
C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011
Good morning, friends! Doing anything inappropriate today? Sure hope so. You can start by laughing inappropriately loudly at these jokes and sending them to an inappropriate number of your friends. Commence enjoyment!
In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.
Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.
Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.
In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.
Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!
In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.
And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."
And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.
Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.
And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.
Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.
Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.
In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.
Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!
In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.
And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."
And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.
Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.
And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 5, 2011
Welcome to the great unbounded middle of the week. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself riding the crest of the wave? If you can, you might want to make sure you're not actually surfing while reading this, as you might hurt yourself. Just a thought. Now let's look at jokes and stuff.
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2011
What is this, Monday? Ugh. Okay. I went shopping recently, but I'm not going to talk about the stuff I bought, because I think I've grown as person, and I understand the world doesn't need to know about my underwear. But if you want to know, just ask me. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes.
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 21, 2011
Hello, Thursday!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 1, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday, or as the Germans would say, "Das Wednesday." I just came from a show at an international youth hostel in New York. Turns out my set is just as funny to people who don't speak English. I'll let you decide if that's a good thing or not.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
You know what is good? Gifts. Speaking of gifts, former decent person John Edwards faces charges of improperly using campaign funds to hush up his mistress/babymomma back in 2008. He's arguing that the money was a gift, and not a donation. That's about as believable as "don't worry, I'll pull out."
Speaking of pulling out, Donald Trump welcomed his female self to New York City yesterday. That's right, Sarah Palin paid the combover a visit, and they shared dinner together. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, but with a-holes.
Speaking of things that won't go away, horses in America are beset by an outbreak of Horse Herpes in the western U.S. Veterinarians have tracked the outback to a visit by Horse A-Rod to Horse Studio 54 earlier this year. Horse.
Yeah. That's science. Also science: a study released last month revealed that people with long commutes to work are more likely to get divorced. This is especially true for people who spend their commute banging other commuters on the subway. Ugh. That's about the least sexy sentence that's ever been on this blog.
Speaking of unsexy, the Subway restaurant chain issued a statement recently saying "We'll help avocado go mainstream." So, I guess now hipsters will have to start hating avocado, and talk about how much better they were when they were just some unknown indie fruit trees from Puebla, Mexico. It's basically the same thing that happened with Rilo Kiley.
In other entertainment news, FOX ordered a show that sounds suspiciously like an Antiques Roadshow knockoff. Only the FOX version will feature a British guy in a black tshirt saying your antiques "just don't want it enough."
Speaking of not wanting it enough, megachurcher and crystal meth aficionado Ted Haggard will be making a cameo appearance in an upcoming "Christian sex comedy." Now you might be wondering, "what's a Christian sex comedy?" Well, it's actually about abstinence. Which is an interesting interpretation of "sex." Can't wait to see how they interpret "comedy." I'm guessing there will be as much comedy as there is boning. Oh, but maybe Donald and Sarah could star in it!
And lastly, big legal trouble for a former television star Andy Dick. Mr. Dick is being sued for taking his little mr. dick out and walking through the audience at one of his shows. The most surprising thing? PEOPLE STILL ALLOW ANDY DICK ON STAGE?! Glad to see "sobriety" is working out for him.
Well that's it. Sorry for the downer ending. But what are you gonna do, right? Tomorrow is a brand new day, right? Be sure to tell your friends, and don't forget your sunblock! See you Thursday, everyone!
And have a great day.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
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