Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.
Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.
In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.
In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"
In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.
He should have at least added "habit-forming."
Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.
A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.
And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.
And thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label american airlines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label american airlines. Show all posts
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2013
Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.
New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.
A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.
Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.
In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.
The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.
A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.
And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?
That's it!
New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.
A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.
Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.
In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.
The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.
A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.
And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?
That's it!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 17, 2013
Fewer train delays reported in the UK this year, thanks to a decline in thefts of rail cable, copper, and other valuable metals. Great, so now even the scrap metal industry is in the crapper.
This week marks the 101st birthday of North Korean legend, founder, and human deity, Kim Il-Sung. This message was brought to you by Smucker's®.
American Airlines flights ground to a halt yesterday due to a computer malfunction. But the airline quickly repaired the issue and was back to running an hour behind like normal.
The Detroit Lions signed the Norwegian YouTube sensation known as "Kickalicious" to a contract as Kicker for the team. And the moral of the story is, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and never give up, you too can live out your dream of playing for the Detroit Lions.
Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering is joining the cast of "Chippendales" all-male dance revue. A spokesman for Ziering said he's finally putting himself through college.
The city of Czestochowa, Poland, just unveiled a new statue of Pope John Paul II. According to the city, the statue weighs five tons, is 45 feet tall, and "humble as fuck!"
A new poll puts Anthony Weiner in second place in the NYC mayor's race, which is ironic because his pole put him out of a job.
His penis-pole.
And finally, giant African land snails are invading Florida, so get ready for a punchline swarm...
This week marks the 101st birthday of North Korean legend, founder, and human deity, Kim Il-Sung. This message was brought to you by Smucker's®.
American Airlines flights ground to a halt yesterday due to a computer malfunction. But the airline quickly repaired the issue and was back to running an hour behind like normal.
The Detroit Lions signed the Norwegian YouTube sensation known as "Kickalicious" to a contract as Kicker for the team. And the moral of the story is, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and never give up, you too can live out your dream of playing for the Detroit Lions.
Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering is joining the cast of "Chippendales" all-male dance revue. A spokesman for Ziering said he's finally putting himself through college.
The city of Czestochowa, Poland, just unveiled a new statue of Pope John Paul II. According to the city, the statue weighs five tons, is 45 feet tall, and "humble as fuck!"
A new poll puts Anthony Weiner in second place in the NYC mayor's race, which is ironic because his pole put him out of a job.
His penis-pole.
And finally, giant African land snails are invading Florida, so get ready for a punchline swarm...
- The snails revealed they were relocating to Florida during an hour-long prime time press conference on ESPN. And they're not the slimiest to ever do so.
- Can't wait to see how much cocaine a snail can do.
- Who knew snails could grow a mullet?
- Send the snails to Disney's Wild Adventure, and someone there will be happy to kill them all.
- They're only the second-most ridiculous villain on Dexter.
Fin. Later, gaters!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011
Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 21, 2011
Hello, Thursday!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
A Taliban spokesman denied reports yesterday that Mullah Omar had been killed. As proof, they provided pictures of him partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. I am unconvinced.
British Prime Minister David Cameron issued a statement today saying how he regretted hiring scandal-rife former News of the World editor Andy Coulson as his press secretary, and wouldn't have hired him had he known more about the man. It was the most awkward press release Mr. Coulson ever wrote.
The Batman stunt spectacular arena show suffered a setback this week after the Batmobile crashed. Don't worry, Julie Taymor has an airtight alibi.
The Crown Prince of Thailand's personal jet has been impounded by Germany over disputes between the Thai government and a German construction company, and the plane won't be allowed to leave unless a €20 million is paid. Oh, that reminds me. Can we make sure Air Force One doesn't touch down anywhere in China?
In other aviation news, Iran claims that it has brought down a U.S. spy drone near one of the country's nuclear enrichment sites. As proof, they showed pictures of the drone partying with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
And in other other aviation news, American Airlines announced the purchase of 460 new planes from Boeing and Airbus. That's some serious retail therapy.
In music news, the Newport Folk Festival has sold out, for the first time in its history. I guess that means folk's gone mainstream? Is it too soon for hipsters to start hating Billy Bragg, and for disaffected high school kids to start shouting "Folk's not dead!"?
And lastly, in other music news, Boyz II Men released a new CD for their 20th anniversary. It's called "Yes, We Understand We're No Longer Boyz, and No, We're Not Changing The Name." It's a concept album.
That's it! Spencer's in tomorrow, I'm back on Monday, and in the meantime, I hope you have a great weekend!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011
Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
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