Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label newscorp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label newscorp. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2012
Happy hump day. Read that how you will. Got a lot to get through today, hope you're ready for it. Alright, let's get serious.
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2012
Good to see you! The week is almost over, have you accomplished anything? If you have, keep it to yourself, overachiever. Now let's joke about semi-serious things.
Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.
Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.
The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.
A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.
The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.
NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.
Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.
And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.
That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!
Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.
Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.
The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.
A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.
The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.
NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.
Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.
And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.
That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2011
I'm writing this on my phone due to a disagreement between me and my computer. You can guess how that is going. As such, there will be no banter today. It's a sad affair, I know. Well, we soldier on. With jokes!
Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.
John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.
Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.
Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.
Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.
Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.
The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.
And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.
And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Yesterday, Broncos quarterback and mega-Christian Tim Tebow rallied the Broncos to a narrow victory over the Dolphins, proving once again that God hates Miami.
John Mayer is recovering from throat surgery. Since he can't talk, and he gave up Twitter, he's been forced to convey his douche baggy-ness through handwritten letters. Much classier.
Ron Paul wants to end Federal student loan assistance, because it puts young people into debt, which is something the private sector can do much more efficiently.
Ryan Reynolds just turned 35, meaning his days as a Hollywood sex symbol are almost over. Wait, no, he's not a woman. False alarm.
Rupert Murdoch is set to address the NewsCorp shareholders meeting, and insiders are expecting some serious arguments and drama, based on the notes they've managed to download from his computer.
Halloween is coming up, and the most popular costume for women is "Pregnant Bella" from the Twilight novels. For a cheaper version, stuff a pillow under your shirt, sprinkle glitter in your crotch, and start dating a sad little emo douche bag.
The final Old Time Radio convention was held for golden age radio enthusiasts. The convention has been discontinued due to a lack of interest. The cancellation was announced via telegraph.
And finally, NBC Sports is relocating from New York City to Connecticut, presumably to take advantage of the great tax breaks for failure.
And that it's all. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 11, 2011
Did anyone else hear Nancy Grace fart on Dancing with the Stars? Well I did, and now I demand that Auto-Tune The News make a song out of it. Anybody else? Okay, maybe not. If that does happen, I wouldn't complain. That's no joke. But these are:
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 20, 2011
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2011
Monday. Hmm. That's bad news for people who enjoy the weekend. Oh well. Let's see what we can do about it.
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
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