Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013

Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.

Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.

Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.

Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.

Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.

Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.

Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.

And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.

See ya tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2012

Yesterday I stayed home sick from work, and made the mistake of falling asleep while watching a two-hour documentary on Fatty Arbuckle. I had some weird dreams, and now I get nervous any time someone offers me a soda. Thankfully that doesn't happen often. Okay, now for some made up stuff mixed in with true stuff for comedic effect.

The newest issue of Psychological Science published a study linking low I.Q. to racism, prejudice and conservatism. No word yet if there's also a correlation to the enjoyment of Whitney.

Lisa Marie Presley said yesterday that she wants to make a better Elvis film than those that have previously been made. Also, she wants to pay her rent.

In earth news, geologists are trying to use recent volcanic eruptions to predict if and when a "super volcano" may erupt. Or, they could just watch SyFy on any Saturday afternoon.

French presidential candidate Francois Hollande was flour-bombed while on the campaign trail. Mimes are suspected.

Because of their white faces.

The New Jersey city of Hoboken officially denied filming permits to a new Jersey Shore spinoff. Mayor Zimmer was praised for taking this stand to defend the local douchebag industry.

Comic publisher DC is releasing a series of prequels to the seminal Watchmen series this summer. Writer Grant Morrison is demanding they include Batman.

Because he friggin' loves Batman.

In television news, Heather Locklear is set to join the cast of Downtown Abbey. Things are about to get sexy.

And finally, Mitt Romney said yesterday that he's "not focused on the poor," probably because they don't have any money. Thanks for the honesty, Mitt.

And that's it for me! I'll see you on Monday! Till then, have a Coke and a Smile!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011

Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!