Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2012

Good (time of day) my (level of familiarity) (relationship)! How are you? After these jokes, maybe it will be marginally better. But hey, what else have you got to do for the next three minutes?

On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.

Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.

In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.

A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."

New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.

In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.

Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.

And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!

That's it! Later, friends!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 13, 2012

Crap. The Grammy's were on last night, and once again, like every year, I totally forgot to give a shit. I'm sure someone will tell me who won, and I'm fairly sure that, once again this week, it wasn't Tom Brady.

Okay, jokes.

Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.

Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.

A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.

Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."

Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.

A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.

Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.

And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.

That's all! Till tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 6, 2011

Are you ready for some happy times, Internet? Doesn't "internet" kind of sound like a vaguely dismissive way to refer to a female intern? That just now occurred to me. These jokes also just occurred to me. READ THEM AND BEHOLD THE ABSURDITY OF OUR WORLD!

A survey found that over one third of American shoppers are done with their holiday gift purchases for the year. This is due in equal parts to Americans not having any money, and the fact that most American children were little shits this year.

In a move to avoid total bankruptcy, the US Postal Service is cutting 28,000 jobs. Hope they don’t get disgruntled.

The postal service's restructuring is part of a plan to save the USPS by slowing down the delivery of mail. That’s like saving a relationship by getting worse at sex. But then people just start banging FedEx and UPS on the side.

In international news, Lithuania is cracking down on beggars, going so far as to criminalize panhandling. That's a bold move for Lithuania, considering the cops who will be arresting them were probably hired using the $3 billion in aid Lithuania received from the EU this year.

At Newark Liberty airport, a passenger was detained after TSA agents found four grenades in his carry on luggage. The grenades were confiscated, which is bad news for the passenger, as he's gotta come back to Newark at some point. And now he won't have his grenades. Which you need for Newark. Because Newark  is a tough city. Moving on.

Astronomers spotted a planet in another solar system of similar size and climate to Earth. It's so similar that they’re calling it an “earth twin.” However, images of the planet with a ridiculous goatee suggest it might be the evil twin.

Former Miss USA Rima Fakih was charged with drunk driving this weekend. Officers got suspicious during the sobriety test when Ms. Fakih had to walk a straight line and wouldn’t stop waving.

And finally, Madonna will be performing at halftime during this year’s Super Bowl, which means we’ll have to find a new name for it. Also, the football won’t be the only tough, leathery thing on camera.

And that’s a wrap. Have a great Tuesday, and I’ll see you tomorrow!