GE plans to invest billions of dollars in the controversial and possibly environmentally dangerous technology called "Fracking." But that's nothing compared to what they invested in Jay Leno.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.
New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.
In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.
He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.
The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.
Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.
In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."
And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.
So endeth the blog post.
Showing posts with label crack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crack. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013
Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011
Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!
Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.
In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.
In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.
A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.
Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.
A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.
On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.
And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!
Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)
Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.
In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.
In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.
A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.
Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.
A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.
On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.
And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!
Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)
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