In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
Showing posts with label pentagon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pentagon. Show all posts
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2013
With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.
Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.
George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.
In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.
Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."
Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.
The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.
And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.
Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.
George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.
In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.
Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."
Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.
The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.
And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2013
Netflix announced that it will begin airing episodes of the hit series The Killing the day after they originally air. And they will be narrated by Ron Howard.
Daimler Motors recalled over 6,000 new A-Class Mercedes Hatchbacks after executives learned what a hatchback was.
The world's oldest complete Torah was found at an Italian university, alongside the world's oldest savings bonds and BestBuy gift cards.
That's a Bar Mitzvah joke.
Electronic music pioneers Daft Punk set a new record for plays of their latest album on Spotify. When they learned of their new album's popularity on the streaming site, members of the band started dreaming of what they will do with the zero dollars they just earned.
Internet technologists believe that using "noise-cancelling" software will increase the speed of the Internet, although it is worth pointing out that most of what's on the Internet falls under the category of "noise."
Wal-Mart agreed to pay an $86million fine for illegally disposing of hazardous fertilizer, pesticides, and other chemicals. In other news, Wal-Mart has a new store-brand antiperspirant coming out this week.
Doctors studying patient mortality found that people undergoing planned operations at the end of the week are more likely to die as a result of the procedure than people who get under the knife early in the week. Suddenly Urkel is no longer the worst thing about Friday.
And finally, Chinese hackers broke into the Pentagon's sensitive systems this week, gaining access to plans for dozens of advanced weapons systems. Analysts believe this theft will save the Chinese decades in developing pointless, expensive, and ill-advised military boondoggles. Damn it!
And that's the end.
Daimler Motors recalled over 6,000 new A-Class Mercedes Hatchbacks after executives learned what a hatchback was.
The world's oldest complete Torah was found at an Italian university, alongside the world's oldest savings bonds and BestBuy gift cards.
That's a Bar Mitzvah joke.
Electronic music pioneers Daft Punk set a new record for plays of their latest album on Spotify. When they learned of their new album's popularity on the streaming site, members of the band started dreaming of what they will do with the zero dollars they just earned.
Internet technologists believe that using "noise-cancelling" software will increase the speed of the Internet, although it is worth pointing out that most of what's on the Internet falls under the category of "noise."
Wal-Mart agreed to pay an $86million fine for illegally disposing of hazardous fertilizer, pesticides, and other chemicals. In other news, Wal-Mart has a new store-brand antiperspirant coming out this week.
Doctors studying patient mortality found that people undergoing planned operations at the end of the week are more likely to die as a result of the procedure than people who get under the knife early in the week. Suddenly Urkel is no longer the worst thing about Friday.
And finally, Chinese hackers broke into the Pentagon's sensitive systems this week, gaining access to plans for dozens of advanced weapons systems. Analysts believe this theft will save the Chinese decades in developing pointless, expensive, and ill-advised military boondoggles. Damn it!
And that's the end.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 14, 2011
Jokes commencing in three... two... one... zero... ten... nine... wait, what am I doing? Never mind.
In an attempt to apologize for his homophobic rant this past weekend, actor/nutjob Tracy Morgan said today that even if his son were gay, he'd still love him almost as much as he loves his career in Hollywood.
Casinos in Atlantic City are turning to SEX to attract business. They've got new strip clubs, new burlesque shows, and even an upcoming "naked circus." But they still won't allow you to play the slots without any pants on. Prudes. By the way, "naked circus" means the bear no longer wears his fez. It's pretty scandalous.
Hey, remember Andrew McCarthy, the star of such recent hits as Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's? Well, he is writing a new memoir. It's called For God's Sake: INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY!
Speaking of movies, Harry Potter star Emma Watson recently said "I have had no control over my life" which means, obviously, that an evil wizard has bewitched her. Maybe Andrew McCarthy can help!
In sadder news, Harold Camping, the wacko who predicted the world would end last month, then corrected his prediction to put the apocalypse in October, had a stroke this weekend. Strangely enough, he predicted this stroke, but he thought it would be in January... spooky!
Yesterday, the Pentagon Papers were finally released in their entirety, nearly 40 years after they were initially leaked. Is it just me, or is the Pentagon really bad at stopping leaks?
In more sad news, Education Secretary Arne Duncan may issue waivers to educators to exempt certain children from the "No Child Left Behind" law, although sources confirm that it will only be "the really dumb and really ugly kids."
And lastly, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City announced they will not be airing the new Playboy show on their station. The move surprised other stations, who were quick to ask "you mean we don't have to air these crappy shows they send us?! Oh, man! What a relief!"
Okay, that's all for today! Unless I post more on my Twitter feed later on in the day. What's the link? Well, that would be http://www.twitter.com/soonerseth. You should probably follow my tweets, just to be safe. <---Most ridiculous sentence I've written today that didn't involve Harry Potter.
You know, it's summer. You might want to have some fresh fruit today. Could be delicious. But whatever you decide, I hope you have a great day!
In an attempt to apologize for his homophobic rant this past weekend, actor/nutjob Tracy Morgan said today that even if his son were gay, he'd still love him almost as much as he loves his career in Hollywood.
Casinos in Atlantic City are turning to SEX to attract business. They've got new strip clubs, new burlesque shows, and even an upcoming "naked circus." But they still won't allow you to play the slots without any pants on. Prudes. By the way, "naked circus" means the bear no longer wears his fez. It's pretty scandalous.
Hey, remember Andrew McCarthy, the star of such recent hits as Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's? Well, he is writing a new memoir. It's called For God's Sake: INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY!
Speaking of movies, Harry Potter star Emma Watson recently said "I have had no control over my life" which means, obviously, that an evil wizard has bewitched her. Maybe Andrew McCarthy can help!
In sadder news, Harold Camping, the wacko who predicted the world would end last month, then corrected his prediction to put the apocalypse in October, had a stroke this weekend. Strangely enough, he predicted this stroke, but he thought it would be in January... spooky!
Yesterday, the Pentagon Papers were finally released in their entirety, nearly 40 years after they were initially leaked. Is it just me, or is the Pentagon really bad at stopping leaks?
In more sad news, Education Secretary Arne Duncan may issue waivers to educators to exempt certain children from the "No Child Left Behind" law, although sources confirm that it will only be "the really dumb and really ugly kids."
And lastly, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City announced they will not be airing the new Playboy show on their station. The move surprised other stations, who were quick to ask "you mean we don't have to air these crappy shows they send us?! Oh, man! What a relief!"
Okay, that's all for today! Unless I post more on my Twitter feed later on in the day. What's the link? Well, that would be http://www.twitter.com/soonerseth. You should probably follow my tweets, just to be safe. <---Most ridiculous sentence I've written today that didn't involve Harry Potter.
You know, it's summer. You might want to have some fresh fruit today. Could be delicious. But whatever you decide, I hope you have a great day!
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