Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Showing posts with label aung san suu kyii. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aung san suu kyii. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2012
Goodness, it's already Wednesday! Well done, everyone. We'll get through this together. And we'll get through this blog post, by gum. This message was brought to you by gum. BUY GUM! I think I need more sleep.
In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.
A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.
A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.
In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.
Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.
A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.
Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.
And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.
Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!
In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.
A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.
A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.
In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.
Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.
A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.
Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.
And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.
Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2012
Oh, Spring. Thanks for the puffy eyes and mucus. It's like a horror movie out there. I had to take a Benadryl last week. Wow. They really should list on the side effects: increased likelihood of telling coworkers exactly what you think of them. Very dangerous. Okay, let's joke it up, y'all.
Chinese technology manufacturing firm Foxcon announced today that thanks to international human rights pressures, they'll be cutting hours and raising salaries for factory workers. You know, if their prices keep going up, they may have to find cheaper labor somewhere else. Like maybe Detroit?
Human media-empire Tyler Perry said yesterday that racial profiling is alive and well among law enforcement agencies. Case in point, the FBI is convinced that every African American person in the U.S. loves Tyler Perry movies.
In India, a couple rejected their newborn baby girl because they were first accidentally handed a baby boy. They're now suing for custody of the boy, proving that no matter where you go in the world, you're bound to find shitty people.
The U.S. Supreme Court upheld laws allowing for strip-searches for even minor offenses, including indecent exposure and public nudity.
British doctors are warning of an increased risk of flu transmission during the summer Olympics, due to the influx of people and viruses from all over the world. As a precaution, organizers are cancelling the 400 Meter Phlegm Relay.
Burmese democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyii announced her new plans for Burma, which is bad news for the police baton industry.
In the UK, citizens are angry over a proposed government electronic spying program, demanding that if their private data is going to be violated like that, they should at least get to play Angry Birds.
And finally, Sarah Palin will be hosting the Today Show this week, leading to the strange realization that for several hours, Kathie Lee will inadvertently be taken seriously.
Okay. Go forth and tell your friends! See you tomorrow, everyone.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012
Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
- If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
- If billionaires quit giving him money.
- If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
- If he came to his senses.
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012
Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012
Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
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