In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.
A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."
Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."
Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.
In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.
Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."
U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...
And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.
Is that it? Yes, for now.
Showing posts with label saudi arabia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label saudi arabia. Show all posts
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 15, 2013
The United States is poised to surpass Saudi Arabia in energy production, which is bad news for American women who like to drive.
Speaking of driving, Audi and BMW both announced great increases in sales for 2012, which may explain why there were more assholes on the road.
In North Korea, Google executive Eric Schmidt publicly called on the government to open up the country's Web access to a free and unfettered exchange of ideas. This was a great gift for the North Korean people, who hadn't been able to laugh so hard since Kim Jong Il once farted into a live microphone in 1995.
A group of former U.S. servicemen and women forced out under the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy were awarded separation pay as part of a legal settlement with the Department of Defense. Other details have yet to emerge, because participants are not allowed to talk about them.
In Europe, the new Five-Euro bill will feature the visage of the Greek goddess Europa, so that's at least one Greek with a job in the EU.
San Antonio is planning a new completely digital public library this year. It is unclear how the technology will the ability of homeless guys to shower in the bathroom.
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he has engaged in doping as a professional athlete. As punishment, Armstrong now has to spend an hour with Dr. Phil.
And finally, congratulations to the cast and crew of Fargo for their groundbreaking Golden Globe victories 14 years after the film's release. It truly is an inspiration.
And that's it!
Speaking of driving, Audi and BMW both announced great increases in sales for 2012, which may explain why there were more assholes on the road.
In North Korea, Google executive Eric Schmidt publicly called on the government to open up the country's Web access to a free and unfettered exchange of ideas. This was a great gift for the North Korean people, who hadn't been able to laugh so hard since Kim Jong Il once farted into a live microphone in 1995.
A group of former U.S. servicemen and women forced out under the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy were awarded separation pay as part of a legal settlement with the Department of Defense. Other details have yet to emerge, because participants are not allowed to talk about them.
In Europe, the new Five-Euro bill will feature the visage of the Greek goddess Europa, so that's at least one Greek with a job in the EU.
San Antonio is planning a new completely digital public library this year. It is unclear how the technology will the ability of homeless guys to shower in the bathroom.
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he has engaged in doping as a professional athlete. As punishment, Armstrong now has to spend an hour with Dr. Phil.
And finally, congratulations to the cast and crew of Fargo for their groundbreaking Golden Globe victories 14 years after the film's release. It truly is an inspiration.
And that's it!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 8, 2012
Toyota is now making cars that drive themselves. Saudi Arabia has demanded that Toyota assure them that none of the cars are female. Because ladies can't drive in Saudi Arabia.
The very first CEO of Hulu.com's is finally leaving. He's been with the company since its beginning, but his tenure has been periodically interrupted by commercials for All State insurance.
According to the CDC, 2012 was worst year for whooping cough since 1955. This comes as a serious blow to hipsters who discovered the illness years ago and contracted it back before it became popular.
Doctors studying the norovirus have created a robot that vomits just like a human. All they had to do was take a regular robot and make it pledge a fraternity.
Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so now I'll be ignoring her for two.
The world's first double-hand transplant recipient is healing, and relearning how to hold to hold things this month. Doctors say that once the swelling in her hands goes down the new fingers should still fit nicely into her nose.
A cat was arrested for breaking into a Brazilian prison with contraband items taped to it. If convicted, the cat faces five years in prison, which is like 30 cat years.
And finally, on a flight to New York, a drunken and unruly man was tied up and duct taped to his seat. Or, as United Calls it, "Business Class."
And that's it!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012
Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.
Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.
Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.
GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.
Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.
Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.
Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.
And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.
Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.
Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.
Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.
GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.
Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.
Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.
Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.
And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.
Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2012
Happy Thursday! Do you have any drink specials? Oh, then you're probably not a bar in my neighborhood. Have joke, on me.
A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.
President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!
Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."
Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.
Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."
The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.
Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.
And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.
Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!
And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!
A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.
President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!
Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."
Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.
Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."
The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.
Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.
And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.
Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!
And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012
Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.
The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!
In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.
After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”
Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.
A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”
In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.
And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”
And that’s it! Later, gaters.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011
Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!
Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.
In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.
In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.
A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.
Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.
A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.
On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.
And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!
Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)
Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.
In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.
In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.
A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.
Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.
A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.
On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.
And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!
Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2011
Happy Tuesday, unless you're in London, in which case, LOOK OUT! Here's some jokes.
A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.
Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.
For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.
Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.
Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.
In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...
Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!
And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"
That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.
Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.
For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.
Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.
Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.
In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...
Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!
And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"
That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 28, 2011
Welcome to Thursday! Let's get this over with.
The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.
In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.
Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.
A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."
In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.
In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?
And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.
Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.
Till then, as always, have a great day!
The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.
In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.
Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.
Speaking of historic relics, Hugh Hefner's ex, Crystal Harris, went on the radio this week and said that her time with Hef was mostly sexless. She claimed that they'd only done it once, very quickly, and that she'd never seen him naked. Sounds like Hef's been cribbing from my college playbook!
A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."
In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.
In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?
And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.
Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.
Till then, as always, have a great day!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 27, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday, the middle finger of days. How to get through it? Well, compartmentalization helps. And so do jokes. Here's your daily gang of eight.
The new voice of Aflac Insurance was revealed today: Dan McKeague, a 36-year-old father of three from suburban Minneapolis. Congratulations, Dan. You've got some really annoying shoes to fill.
In Houston, a BP oil refinery experienced a power failure and belched out a thick cloud of smog that forced local residents indoors. It's good to see that BP is diversifying their pollution to mess up the land and air now, too.
In Washington, DC, public broadcasters gathered to plan for the future of public broadcasting in America. Unfortunately, they didn't get anything done, as they kept interrupting themselves every five minutes to try and give away tote bags and coffee mugs.
Levi Johnston is writing a tell all book about the Palin family. In it, he reveals how Palin women have incredibly awful taste in men.
A student at the University of Dundee has created a coin-operated robot designed to panhandle for change. The designer said the hardest part was building a machine that could develop an addiction to meth.
Anti-marriage groups in California are fuming that the judge who overturned California's gay marriage ban was gay. They claim that he was unduly influenced by his decades spent being subjected to bigotry and hate speech at the hands of hateful bigots. Said one gay marriage opponent, "as hateful bigots, we never stood a chance."
For some reason, Lollapalooza is still around, and just announced its 20th season lineup. On the bill: people who weren't born when Lollapalooza was still relevant.
And lastly, women in Saudi Arabia are demanding a vote in national elections. King Fahd responded by saying, "sure, why not? Those things are meaningless anyway." Just kidding! They're not going to let the women vote! Don't be silly! Ah, give it up for our partners in the middle east.
And give it up for yourself for making it through the middle of the week. If you're in NYC tonight, come see me at Legion Bar in Brooklyn tonight at 8pm! See you again tomorrow, and have a great day.
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