Ugh. Jokes now.
The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.
Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.
North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.
In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.
In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.
NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.
A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.
And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.
Tell your friends.
Showing posts with label somalia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label somalia. Show all posts
Monday, July 16, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 20, 2012
Good Tuesday to you! Has your bracket exploded yet? What about some other sporty terms? Yeah, you know it! Okay, how about a joke or eight?
In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.
Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.
Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.
A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.
Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.
The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.
The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.
And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.
That's all! See you tomorrow!
In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.
Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.
Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.
A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.
Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.
The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.
The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.
And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.
That's all! See you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)