Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011

Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!

WHAT A GREAT CROWD. HACK_BOT HAS NOT SEEN THIS MANY STUFFED SHIRTS SINCE ALL THOSE BUSINESS JERKS GOT SENT TO THE TAXIDERMIST! THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS, RIGHT? THE ECONOMY!

BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.

HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!

SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!

SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---

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ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!

HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!

SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!

ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!

THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.

TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!

HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!

AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.

HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!

TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 9, 2011

Did you have a great Mardi Gras? Well, good for you. I hope you enjoy your penance. What's that? You are enjoying it? Then you're doing it wrong. Try again. Also, here are jokes:

In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.

In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.

In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."

In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.

Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.

American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."

A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.

Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."

That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 2, 2011

It's Wednesday! And what a wonderful Wednesday it's gonna be!

Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.

At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!

In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"

In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.

In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."

In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.

Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"

Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 28, 2011

Alright, let's get February over with.

Chestnust Hill College, a private Catholic school in Pennsylvania, fired an openly gay priest this week for making comments about his homosexuality. A spokesman for the school explained, saying "uh, yes, he was fired because he was openly gay. Duh! We can't have that. We really don't care what he, or any other Church employee, does in his own time, when no one is watching them. But the Church has a certain standard of behavior and repression to maintain, thank you very much."

In a related story, a nun was removed from her order because she was spending too much time on Facebook. "Next time," she said, "I'll stick with Myspace. No way will anyone spend too much time there!" Also, it seems that the Catholic Church has finally got its priorities properly sorted out.

In international news, the United Nations Security Council voted 15-0 to invoke sanctions against Libya. If this doesn't convince Gadaffi to give it up, nothing will.

In happier news, Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh tied the knot this weekend in New York. This is the fourth marriage for Grammer, who said of the event "this wedding was just so much fun! I can't wait until my next one!"

Speaking of breakups, cable news host Kathleen Parker is leaving the CNN show Parker-Spitzer. Sources close to the show indicate that Parker really just underestimated how much she hates Elliott Spitzer.

A recent piece in the New York Times reports that blogs are quickly becoming passe; and that Twitter and Tumblr are cool now. Oh, and newspapers. Newspapers are totally cool, too. Unfortunately, no one read the story, because it was in a newspaper.

A burglar was arrested this week after posting photographs of himself with stolen goods on the original owners' Facebook page. After his arrest, he told the press, "my one mistake was sending proof of the crime and my identity to the victim. Oh, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?

Speaking of 20/20, notable cad Charlie Sheen has reneged on his promise to give his story exclusively to 20/20, and has recorded an interview with NBC. The UN Security Council condemned his actions by a vote of 15-0. That'll show him.

That's all for now. Check back tomorrow to see what happened today. Email us to your friends, post us on Twitter and Facebook (although clearly not Myspace) and as always, share your thoughts via the magic of comments. Thanks!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2011

Hey, it's Wednesday! Can you believe it? Yeah, it's actually pretty believable considering yesterday was Tuesday. Also believable: we've got some jokes! Let's read 'em!

In political news, Senator Harry Reid wants to ban brothels in his home state of Nevada. Pundits in the state are calling the move "unexpected," and "a major-league cock-block."

In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi said he will not step down from power and vowed to become a "martyr" for Libya. The statement was met with great support from the people of Libya. Well, at least the "martyr" part.

In legal news, musician and pugilist Chris Brown is asking for his restraining order to be relaxed, allowing him to get closer to ex-girlfriend Rihanna. When asked why, he responded, "oh, no reason in particular. I just don't like being told where I can and can't go, you know? It just makes me so angry! Oh, thinking about it makes me wanna choke someone! Wait, what were we talking about?"

In other Brown news, Senator Scott Brown claimed this week that Lindsay Lohan "can do better and be better," saying the troubled actress could still overcome personal adversity like he did. When asked if he thought she could someday become a senator, he said "oh, sure. Just not a very good one. Clearly."

In non-royal wedding news, Ziona Chana, the 66-year-old leader of an obscure Indian religious sect, has married his 39th wife. When asked why, he explained "there's no religious reason for it, I'm just a huge cock-blocker. NOBODY GETS ANY BUT ME! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Speaking of jerks, professional villain Jesse James is writing a memoir, presumably because he has so much to say. The book will include a foreword from a large piece of human excrement, which will likely be the most thoughtful and well-written part of the entire book.

In Afghanistan, local police forces have started hiring criminals, in one of the clearest possible signals that they've just given up on law enforcement. Either that, or someone in HR started watching The Mod Squad.

Lastly, a new Facebook app allows users to track the relationship status of people they are interested in dating, which will make the whole "stalking" process a lot more efficient. A companion app, however, is in the works which would send reminders to you when your stalker's restraining order is about to expire. Chris Brown called it "a total cock-block."

That's it for today, everyone. I hope you've enjoyed the diversion! If so, tell your friends! Tell them in person or tell them electronically (see below). As always, I cherish your feedback, so sound off if you have anything to say. Remember, it's the Internet, so everyone's voice is valid and important.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2011

Oh, happy Tuesday to all you people reading this. Perhaps you'd like to hear some jokes?

Former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbechev criticized Vladimir Putin yesterday, accusing him of "incredible conceit." Putin responded by calling Gorbechev a "national hero," saying "his passing is a great tragedy, and he will be missed. Rest in peace." He then whispered "hint, hint" to a man standing nearby in the shadows.

In other international news, a group of men in Zimbabwe were accused of plotting against President Mugabe and arrested for watching the news. Thankfully we live in a place where that wouldn't happen, because we've all chosen to ignore the news. Also, it's been rumored that the men were actually watching The Jersey Shore but would rather go to prison than admit it.

In business news, Blockbuster Video may be coming out of bankruptcy, thanks to a rumored $209 million buyout. A spokesman for Blockbuster said "yeah, we're as surprised as you are. Whatever happens, don't tell these guys about the Internet!"

An Egyptian couple recently named their baby "Facebook." This actually has less to do with the role played by social networking in the Egyptian revolution, and more to do with the fact that this baby is covered with targeted advertising.

Elsewhere in Egypt, former President Mubarak's assets have been frozen, which explains why he's been spotted recently wearing a shirt that says "I oppressed 18 million people for 30 years and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." Gadaffi said he wouldn't be caught dead in one.

In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker continues to have trouble with the various unions in the state. He is also worried about the sudden influx of Egyptians immigrating to the area.

In Florida, a mother forced her son to wear a sign announcing his 1.22 GPA to the world. Some people are raising concerns that the child is being humiliated or bullied needlessly, but it turns out he actually has no idea what's going on.

Lastly, 164 drug addicts escaped from a Vietnamese treatment facility this week. They're scheduled to be at Charlie Sheen's place by Friday.

That's it for today! If you liked this, please let your friends know! Repost us on Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz (whatever it is) or just email us to anyone at all. And please leave some feedback, good or bad, below. Thanks, and have a wonderful Tuesday!