Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Showing posts with label tsa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tsa. Show all posts
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012
Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2012
Good (time of day) my (level of familiarity) (relationship)! How are you? After these jokes, maybe it will be marginally better. But hey, what else have you got to do for the next three minutes?
On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.
Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.
In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.
A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."
New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.
In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.
Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.
And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!
That's it! Later, friends!
On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.
Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.
In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.
A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."
New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.
In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.
Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.
And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!
That's it! Later, friends!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2011
It's day two of my epic struggle with my laptop, and I'm finally getting the hang of this whole smartphone typing thing. For instance, it only took me three tries to type the word "smartphone." Yay. Here's some jokes.
The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.
Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.
President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.
The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.
This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.
A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.
A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.
And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.
Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.
Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.
President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.
The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.
This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.
A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.
A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.
And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.
Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011
Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.
So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011
Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!
Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.
In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."
In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.
In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."
Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"
Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.
An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"
Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.
That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!
Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.
In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."
In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.
In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."
Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"
Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.
An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"
Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.
That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2011
Did you enjoy your 47 hour weekend? Where did that extra hour go? Pretty sure Gov. Walker gave it to the Koch brothers. But we've still got jokes.
Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.
On an Alaska Airlines flight, Air Marshals and FBI agents were alerted to "suspicious" behavior by three passengers. It turns out the men were Orthodox Jews and they were praying. Nice work, everyone. As a precaution, TSA screeners are now confiscating weaponized prayer beads from air travelers.
In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.
Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.
In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.
In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.
And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.
That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.
In legal news, former Survivor star Richard Hatch is going back to prison to serve out his sentence for unpaid taxes. There's been no word about a possible special appearance on LOCKDOWN.
In other celebrity news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up, which means now we'll have to suffer through an awful, morose breakup album from Timberlake. Featuring Timbaland, of course.
In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.
Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.
In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.
In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.
And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.
That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
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