Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.
In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?
Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.
Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.
In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?
Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.
Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.
And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.
Sponshorships are still available!
Showing posts with label blackberry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blackberry. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2013
President Obama apologized for the apparent bias and discrimination the IRS showed in investigating certain Tea Party groups applying for tax-exempt status, especially since bias and discrimination were the groups' reason for existing.
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2012
Fair warning, these jokes might reveal something of a political bias. You've been warned. And now, JOKES!
Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.
In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.
Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.
Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.
Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.
Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.
And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.
That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!
Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.
In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.
Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.
Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.
Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.
Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.
And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.
That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 23, 2012
Anything happen this weekend?
Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.
At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."
Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.
Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.
In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.
Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.
And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.
And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!
Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.
At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."
Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.
Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.
In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.
Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.
And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.
And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2011
This is Tuesday. Are you ready for it? Sure hope so, because you're hip deep in it now. But as a reward, you get some jokes.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 13, 2011
It's finally Thursday, everyone! No sketch this week, just some good old fashioned topical humor. "Enjoy!"
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)