Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label rebekah brooks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rebekah brooks. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2011
Monday. Hmm. That's bad news for people who enjoy the weekend. Oh well. Let's see what we can do about it.
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
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