Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 9, 2013

A man in Texas thought his friends were pranking him he reached into a beer cooler and pulled out a snake. Turns out it was just hot enough in Texas that a cold-blooded reptile needed to get out of the heat. For his part, the man was a good sport. He said the snake had a full-bodied flavor, but was a bit too hoppy for his taste.

Time Warner announced they would be moving their retired personnel off of the company health plan and instead provide the retirees with vouchers to go purchase health insurance on the open market. First they take CBS off the air and now this. Is there anything Time Warner won't do to dick over old people?

In Moscow, early reports indicate that Sergei Sobyanin, a close ally of Vladimir Putin, is likely to win the mayoral race. Probably because it's too cold to tweet pictures of your dick in Russia. However, a challenger, and vocal critic of Putin, claims he will be able to force a runoff. When Putin was asked for comment he said "'Force?' 'Runoff?' He forgot the words "my car to" and "cliff" in that sentence."

A new Prime Minister is set to take office in Australia. The conservative challenger won in a landslide, meaning that he survived a landslide in order to win the job. They do things differently in Australia.

South Korea is banning Japanese fish from their markets over the continued presence of radiation from the Fukushima power plant. Many South Koreans were upset, as they'd become accustomed to the convenience of self-cooking fish.

A new report came out this weekend that the NSA is able to access almost all smartphone data, which is how they've cornered the market in dick-pics.

Two dick-pic jokes in one day? I regret nothing.

In England, Prince Andrew was recently stopped and challenged by police outside Buckingham Palace (not where Lindsay Buckingham lives) because they didn't recognize him. Police eventually apologized, and to his credit Prince Andrew said he was grateful for the apology. He was also grateful to not be a young black or latino man in New York.

And finally, meteorologists are tracking a new tropical depressing in the Atlantic Ocean. It's over by the UK now, so expect it to get downright suicidal before heading towards America and where it will be calmed by all the Prozac from sewers on the East Coast. Circle of life.

And that's all.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.

Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.

In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.

In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"

In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.

He should have at least added "habit-forming."

Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.

A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.

And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.

And thanks for reading!

Wednesday Morning Monologue -July 17, 2013

Actor and comedian Danny McBride took a major spill on rollerskates yesterday. His injuries were not serious, but they were described as hilariously painful.

Google Street View now includes a trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower. To make it a truly realistic experience, they're working on a way of digitally transmitting the smell of a thousand unwashed tourists.

Stevie Wonder will now boycott states with "stand your ground" laws, because he'd rather not get murdered.

Vladimir Putin just piloted a minisub to the bottom of the ocean to examine an old shipwreck and continue checking off items on his "James Bond Villain Checklist."

Dave Matthews got stranded before a show recently, and caught a ride to his show from some of his own fans. Pretty brave, considering his fans were clearly stoned.

Gas prices are down one penny over the last three weeks, so the RECESSION IS OVER!

Greek workers are striking over layoffs. In other news, Greek scabs are having a fantastic week.

And finally, a racehorse owner is using his horse to fight cancer by naming the animal "Prostate Awareness." Coincidentally, that was actually Ron Artest's birth name.

Cheers!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013

President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.

The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.

Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.

NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.

Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.

Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.

The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"

And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.

Go Blackhawks.

Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013

Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.

In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.

Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.

Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.

Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.

AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.

Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.

A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.

At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.

And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012

Let the weird and fast continue!

Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.

Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.

Whitney sucks.

Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm Face.com. No word yet on their attempts to purchase Book.com. Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."

Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.

Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.

Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.

Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.

And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.

Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012

I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.

This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.

Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."

Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.

In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.

Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.

The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!

And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.

And that is all. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 24, 2012

It's Tuesday. So blah. How do you make Tuesday sexy? Well, I don't know. Maybe some slutty-looking lingerie? I'd probably enjoy seeing that. Okay, I guess that's creepy enough for now. Please partake in some slutty-looking jokes.

In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!

Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...

In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?

Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.

Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.


Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"


X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.


Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which  may be the best news for gay marriage this month.

And finally, the U.S. Army canceled a planned Ted Nugent concert after he kinda threatened to try to kill the President. Also, since it was revealed that he illegally killed a black bear, he's now been banned from the Country Bear Jamboree.

That's all! Tomorrow! Bye!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012

Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.

In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.

Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"

And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.

Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."

A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.

In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.

An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.

Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.

And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Okay, that's all.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 6, 2012

Okay, here we go. Can you overdose on Vitamin C? I'm gonna find out. While I do that, enjoy these jokes!

The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.

A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.

Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.

Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.

Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...

AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.

Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.

And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!

That's all for now! До свидания!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012

Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.

North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.

In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.

In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.

Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.

George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.

Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"

And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.

...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!

...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.

...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.

...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.

...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.

...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com

...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.

Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!

Monday Morning Monologue - December 12, 2011

Did everyone have a great weekend? I'm pretty sure I explicitly told everyone who reads this blog to have a great weekend. So, I really hope you did it. Because I'm a megalomaniac. And now, jokes.

On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"

In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.

Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.

Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.

Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.

In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.

And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011

Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 18, 2011

Welcome to Thursday, everyone! This is going to be the best day we have all day, so I hope you enjoy it. That sentence meant absolutely nothing. I might run for President. Is that a joke? Who knows! These next things are, though.

Today is a great day for me. The Qdoba in my neighborhood is reopening after having some work done. It's kinda like Courtney Cox returning to television.

Police in London arrested the 1000th person in connection to the riots. Lucky number 1000 got his picture in the paper, a gift certificate to Harrods, and a savage beating from the cops. Congratulations!

Vice President Biden is in China discussing U.S.-Chinese debt. It doesn't look good for the talks. Rumor has it that Chinese negotiators had a pay toilet installed in Biden's hotel room.

Former Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi quashed rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion this week. Ozzy actually said the same thing last week, but no one could understand him. And he was taking to a dog at the time.

Anticipation is building for the new Microsoft operating system, Windows 8, which insiders say will totally revolutionize personal computing. Apparently it features a completely redesigned Blue Screen Of Death.

A new biography alleges that French fashion designer Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II. The first clue was her extensive portfolio of haute couture arm bands and jackboots.

Russian pilots carried out test flights on a new stealth plane this month. It's a big departure from the old Soviet designs. You see, in Soviet Russia, stealth plane flies you.

And finally, in more Russian news, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbechev came out with harsh criticism of Russia's progress toward democracy and Vladimir Putin in particular. A confused Putin said "wait a minute, didn't I already kill him? Come on, Vlad! Get it together!" He then strangled a walrus with his bare hands.

Okay, that's the end. Of the blog. For today. Spencer is here tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.

Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2011

Monday. Hmm. That's bad news for people who enjoy the weekend. Oh well. Let's see what we can do about it.

Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.

In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.

In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.

In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.

In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.

Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"

In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.

And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."

That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!

And until then, have a great day!