Happy Thursday, y'all! This will be my last post of 2011, and I want to thank all 15 of you for reading this thing all year. I thought about just re-posting my favorite jokes, but that would mean re-reading all those posts, and who has time for that? So, here's my last eight jokes for the year.
The ghost of Christopher Hitchens briefly appeared last week to paranormal investigators before successfully arguing against its own existence and disappearing.
In North Korea, mourners crowded into the streets, wailing in grief as Kim Jong-il's body crossed the country. Apparently the mourners were so grief-stricken because they'd been told he was being buried with the last of their food.
According to an Associated Press survey of economists, most find President Obama's economic policies to be "fair to poor," not to be confused with being "fair to the poor."
This winter, gale force winds are battering Scotland, which is terrible news for the kilt industry. But great news for the chapped-ass moisturizer industry.
Los Angeles voters will be voting on an ordinance to force porn actors to wear condoms on set. Turnout is expected to be low, however, as no one really feels much on the issue.
According to Forbes, Plano, Texas, is the safest city in America largely because Plano is too boring for criminals.
Microsoft announced that its Windows Mobile operating system now has over 50,000 applications, although the number is actually much higher if you count viruses.
And finally, in a new ad, Newt Gingrich said that he has a plan to "create millions of jobs, right now." Yes, he's willing to buy that much new jewelry.
And that's the end of me for the year. Come back tomorrow for Spencer. Until next time, have a great 2011!
Showing posts with label windows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label windows. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2011
Hey, friends! What a wonderful day for a blog. I've got a great feeling about this one, let's see if it pans out.
Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.
In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.
In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.
A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.
In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.
In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.
Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!
And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!
And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!
Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.
In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.
In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.
A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.
In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.
In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.
Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!
And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!
And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 14, 2011
Did you know that Wednesday has absolutely nothing to do with the name Wendy. That's true. The rest of this not.
The Algerian government decided to end state control of television in the country. They might change their mind after the first season of Bachelor Pad: Algiers.
In Baltimore, some of Archimedes' hidden writings are going on display. The recently recovered writings include the earliest known status update.
In Europe, a non-profit group is putting up 1million Euros to fund an open source version of the Windows operating system. No word yet about how much money will be spent funding open source viruses.
Leila Lopes of Angola was crowned Miss Universe this month. Her first order of business: get the hell out of Angola.
In the literary world, a campaign is underway to save the hut that Roald Dahl wrote his most beloved works. Unless that hut had free wifi and a Starbucks, I'm not sure how he wrote anything there.
Have you heard of Comodohacker? No? Of course not, because he's a computer hacker. Anyway, this jerk Comodohacker bragged recently that he's broken into Windows servers, and can now issue fake Windows updates. Great. So now I've gotta waste even more time downloading updates? If I'd actually paid for my Microsoft products, I'd be pissed off right now.
In entertainment news, famed sensitive man Mel Gibson is set to direct and possibly act in an upcoming film about the Jewish historical icon Judah Maccabee. Hey, great job controlling the media, guys.
And finally, famed tele-jerk Jon Gosselin has some advice for his ex-wife, Kate, following her appearance in People magazine. He said... oh, let's just boil it down and translate it for her: don't marry douchebags. Got it?
Got it. Okay, that's all for now. You've been super great, everybody. I'll see you tomorrow, right?
Till then, have a great day!
The Algerian government decided to end state control of television in the country. They might change their mind after the first season of Bachelor Pad: Algiers.
In Baltimore, some of Archimedes' hidden writings are going on display. The recently recovered writings include the earliest known status update.
In Europe, a non-profit group is putting up 1million Euros to fund an open source version of the Windows operating system. No word yet about how much money will be spent funding open source viruses.
Leila Lopes of Angola was crowned Miss Universe this month. Her first order of business: get the hell out of Angola.
In the literary world, a campaign is underway to save the hut that Roald Dahl wrote his most beloved works. Unless that hut had free wifi and a Starbucks, I'm not sure how he wrote anything there.
Have you heard of Comodohacker? No? Of course not, because he's a computer hacker. Anyway, this jerk Comodohacker bragged recently that he's broken into Windows servers, and can now issue fake Windows updates. Great. So now I've gotta waste even more time downloading updates? If I'd actually paid for my Microsoft products, I'd be pissed off right now.
In entertainment news, famed sensitive man Mel Gibson is set to direct and possibly act in an upcoming film about the Jewish historical icon Judah Maccabee. Hey, great job controlling the media, guys.
And finally, famed tele-jerk Jon Gosselin has some advice for his ex-wife, Kate, following her appearance in People magazine. He said... oh, let's just boil it down and translate it for her: don't marry douchebags. Got it?
Got it. Okay, that's all for now. You've been super great, everybody. I'll see you tomorrow, right?
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 24, 2011
Yesterday in Central Falls, Rhode Island, the city fired all of its high school teachers in what sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a raucous teen comedy.
Ford Motors recalled thousands of F-150 trucks over a problem with improperly installed airbags. A spokesman for the company explained, saying, "our trucks aren't supposed to have airbags 'cause our customers don't need 'em! Airbags are for little sissies who drive Chevrolets! Right?! Yeah! Let's go get tanked! Ford tough!"
In a bold show of leadership by omission, the Obama administration will no longer be defending federal laws that ban gay marriage. Congratulations, President Obama, for being lazy enough to finally do the right thing on gay marriage!
Alleged television star and "Real Housewives" participant Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is back in the news for her upcoming appearance on Law and Order: SVU. Ms. de Lesseps said she's excited to be back in scripted television.
A recent software update from Microsoft caused some Windows Mobile devices to stop working entirely. When confronted by angry consumers, Steve Ballmer said "come on, you can't really be surprised."
Christine O'Donnell revealed yesterday that she was invited to join Dancing With The Stars, indicating that America may be out of stars. When asked if she could dance, Ms. O'Donnell replied, "no, but I also can't think in coherent thoughts, and I was almost a Senator. Why not give it a shot?"
Musician/rolemodel Sting said yesterday that he was troubled by the violence in Libya, and worried about the future of the country. Well, that's it. If you've lost Sting, you've lost Libya.
Lastly, a man jumped the barricade during a taping of NBC's Today Show, shouting "I'm God's gift to music!" before being subdued by security guards. It's the most bizarre Today Show moment in recent memory that didn't involve Kathie Lee.
That's it for me. Spencer's here tomorrow and Earnest checks in on Sunday. Tell your friends, share us on Facebook/Twitter/Buzz/CompuServe and let us know what you're thinking!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)