Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012

In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.

In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.

In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.

Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.

The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.

A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.

Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.

And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.

Later!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day, my friends! You know what's funny about love? I don't. But I know what's funny about the news and stuff.

Spot-checking U.S. voter registration forms found that one in eight forms are filled out incorrectly, which is a bigger portion of the electorate than the Libertarian Party. Not a joke here, just stickin’ it to Libertarians.

Politico reports that 1.8 million dead people are registered to vote in the United States, which would explain why Strom Thurmond continues to get votes. That, and racism.

In New York, the M.T.A. chief voiced opposition to a ban on eating in subways, saying “if people want to eat in a homeless person’s bathroom, that’s their God-given right!”

An Indian newlywed walked out on her husband this week because he does not have a toilet, and she’s refusing to come back until he builds one. Also, even though he didn't have a toilet, he still managed to leave the lid up. Am I right, ladies? Oh, there was no lid? On account of the poverty? Oh.

In happier news, writer and activist Eve Ensler is trying to mobilize one billion dancers against violence today. And, unlike the Grammys, Chris Brown was not invited.

Also in New York, a professor has created an algorithm that he thinks will be able to reunite the “Missed Connections” people post on Craigslist. It will not, however, be able to track the resulting STD outbreaks.

Disgraced Penn State coach and accused child molester Jerry Sandusky was granted the right to see his grandchildren this week. Quick tip, Jerry: See with your eyes, not with your hands.

And finally, Madonna called MIA’s bird-flipping stunt during the Super Bowl halftime show "teenage and irrelevant." I’m sure Madonna objected over the “teenage” part.

And that’s it! Enjoy your Valentine’s Day or relish your bitter rejection of Valentine’s Day! See you tomorrow!