Firefighters in London report a surge of handcuff-related injuries from people inspired to reenact scenes from Fifty Shades of Grey. Who would have guessed people who loved that book would be too dumb to work a pair of handcuffs?
Scientists found that a diabetes pill has an anti-aging effect in lab mice. "Great news!" said the diabetic lab mice. "We were hoping to drag out this existence as long as possible!"
A man arrested by the DEA and left abandoned in a windowless cell for four days was just awarded a $4.1 million settlement, and a co-creator credit for the reality series based on his experiences. The show is called Drink Your Own Urine.
Dock workers in Los Angeles found a cat stowed away in a freighter that arrived from the Philippines. So now cats are sneaking into the country to take all our pooping-in-boxes-and-sleeping-all-day jobs.
New York City's large soda ban was just ruled unconstitutional, under the "Full Faith and Fatass" clause.
Anthony Weiner released a video yesterday saying that he won't quit. He won't quit the race mayoral race, and he won't quit describing his dick to strange women on the Internet.
Time Warner Cable has decided not to pull CBS from its cable service, despite ongoing contract renegotiations. So don't worry, you'll still be greeted by the latest episode of NCIS when you visit your grandparents.
And finally, mass killing suspect and militant racist Anders Breivik just applied to attend university. He's going to be so pissed off when he learns about affirmative action.
That's it!
Showing posts with label new york city. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new york city. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2013
The City of Las Vegas is getting a new "New York" style park. The park is conceived of as a way to bring residents out into a public space in the same way that parks in New York City do, becoming a central hub for communities. In order to replicate the success of NYC, Las Vegas will be importing authentic NYC homeless people, pot-dealing university students, and used condoms.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
That's all. Cheers!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 3, 2012
Funny business found below:
Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.
Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.
In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.
Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.
Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.
There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.
Because of the sugary drink law.
In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.
And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.
Funny business found above:
Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.
Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.
In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.
Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.
Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.
There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.
Because of the sugary drink law.
In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.
And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.
Funny business found above:
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 10, 2011
So, who likes jokes? Well, we've got some!
A lawsuit was filed in Dallas this week by football fans at the Super Bowl who were denied their seats despite having valid tickets. Tom Brady filed a similar suit after he was not allowed to play in the game, despite the fact that he was clearly Tom Brady.
Scientists hinted that in the future, robots may get their own version of the Internet to help them learn about the world. Obviously, this is just an excuse for ROBOT PORN!
Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed Cairo's Tahrir Square in record numbers, although in all honesty, many of them were just waiting to see a screening of Justin Bieber's new movie.
It Italy, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is under investigation for possible sex crimes, which he called "disgusting." That condemnation might have more moral authority, though, if it weren't in the fifth paragraph of a letter to Penthouse Forum.
Back in America, Jennifer Lawrence, the oscar-nominated actress from "Winter's Bone," acknowledged her redneck past in an interview this week, where she jokingly talked about being attracted to her brother. Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie.
Lastly, New York City is considering using its raw sewage as a source of energy. Mayor Bloomberg said, "it's simple logic. You've gotta play to your strengths. And this city is 'strong' with untreated poop." The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be forced to relocate to Jersey City.
That's it for me.
Come back tomorrow for Fridays with Spencer and check us out on Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Monologue. And if you liked what you read, pass it along! Thanks!
A lawsuit was filed in Dallas this week by football fans at the Super Bowl who were denied their seats despite having valid tickets. Tom Brady filed a similar suit after he was not allowed to play in the game, despite the fact that he was clearly Tom Brady.
Scientists hinted that in the future, robots may get their own version of the Internet to help them learn about the world. Obviously, this is just an excuse for ROBOT PORN!
Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed Cairo's Tahrir Square in record numbers, although in all honesty, many of them were just waiting to see a screening of Justin Bieber's new movie.
Still with Egypt, Vice President Suleiman called the widespread demands for President Mubarak's resignation "disrespectful," saying "it's one thing to ask for an end to 30 years of horrible repression, deprivation and intimidation from your government, but it's no excuse for hurting a man's feelings. He may be a strongman, but he's also a sensitiveman!"
Also in Egyptian news, the newly appointed Minister of Antiquities announced that the country's ancient artifacts were safe, despite reports of looting. He said the treasures were safe in part because of upgrades in security but mainly because of THE MUMMY'S CURSE!
Back in America, Jennifer Lawrence, the oscar-nominated actress from "Winter's Bone," acknowledged her redneck past in an interview this week, where she jokingly talked about being attracted to her brother. Hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie.
Lastly, New York City is considering using its raw sewage as a source of energy. Mayor Bloomberg said, "it's simple logic. You've gotta play to your strengths. And this city is 'strong' with untreated poop." The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be forced to relocate to Jersey City.
That's it for me.
Come back tomorrow for Fridays with Spencer and check us out on Sunday for Earnest's Weekend Monologue. And if you liked what you read, pass it along! Thanks!
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