Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013

Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.

Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.

Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.

Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.

Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.

Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.

Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.

And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.

See ya tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - June 10, 2013

The Guardian newspaper revealed former CIA person Edward Snowden leaked the documents about PRISM. He's single, 29, enjoys Italian food and whistle blowing, and he's single, ladies! Wait, is he actually single? If only there were some way we could get a bunch more information about him...

In other PRISM news, the British intelligence service GCHQ used data collected by the NSA in maintaining national security in the UK. So now we're even for The Office coming to America.

AT&T announced this weekend that they will be raising the eligibility requirement for phone upgrades to a 24-month term. However, you're still immediately eligible for NSA surveillance.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker announced he will be running for the Senate, because after Newark not even the Senate seems dysfunctional.

In charity news, a lunch for eight people with financier Warren Buffett just sold on eBay for $1million. Still no takers on his offer to be hunted like a wild animal for $10million.

In entertainment news, horror/thriller The Purge topped the box office, surprising many industry insiders due to its risky inclusion of Ethan Hawke.

In other entertainment news, actor Russell Crowe said recently that he felt "stuck" in his costume for the upcoming Man of Steel film, and that the biggest challenge was not being able to use the bathroom for eight hours at a time. Apparently Lord Crowe is too fancy to soil himself like the rest of us.

And in Iranian politics, the upcoming presidential election has many wondering who will take over for outgoing President Ahmadinejad. Coming in last in the polls, to no surprise, the Zionist party. Meanwhile, Fox News anchors have finally managed to learn how to pronounce Ahmadinejad.

And finally, in response to anti-government rallies, Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan said this weekend that "there is an end to patience," before adding "wait, are you guys going to put that on my tombstone?"

That's it! Tomorrow will be better.