September 22, 2015: These Boots Were Made for Walker

Tennis star James Blake met with NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio yesterday to discuss the NYPD officer who assaulted and tackled Blake recently outside his hotel. Blake said it was a productive meeting, and as a result he's been offered a position with the New York Giants, training Eli Manning in the proper way to go down when tackled.

Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.

Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!

Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.

Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.

In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.

Monday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2011

Did you enjoy your 47 hour weekend? Where did that extra hour go? Pretty sure Gov. Walker gave it to the Koch brothers. But we've still got jokes.

Conan O'Brien went to South by South West this weekend to see a documentary based on his firing from the Tonight Show. Festival organizers bumped his screening to midnight just for old times' sake.

In legal news, former Survivor star Richard Hatch is going back to prison to serve out his sentence for unpaid taxes. There's been no word about a possible special appearance on LOCKDOWN.

In other celebrity news, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up, which means now we'll have to suffer through an awful, morose breakup album from Timberlake. Featuring Timbaland, of course.

On an Alaska Airlines flight, Air Marshals and FBI agents were alerted to "suspicious" behavior by three passengers. It turns out the men were Orthodox Jews and they were praying. Nice work, everyone. As a precaution, TSA screeners are now confiscating weaponized prayer beads from air travelers.

In a related story, the guy who played Gopher on The Love Boat is planning a radio show to deal with the topic of radical Islam. This sentence was brought to you in part by Mad-Libs.

Also in tolerance news, or "intolerance" news, Tennessee lawmakers want to make it a felony for residents to follow Sharia law. Guess that means mandatory porkchop sandwiches for everyone! Oh, and screw the First Amendment.

In Slovakia, a two-headed and five-legged turtle has been accurately predicting the winners in a Slovakian hockey tournament. Sports historians agree this is the most exciting thing to ever happen in hockey.

In Israel, Jewish and Arab rappers came together to form a hip hop group promoting peace and understanding through what is surely awful, awful hip hop. Featuring Timbaland, of course.

And lastly, Amazon is considering giving free Kindles to their Amazon Prime members. Meanwhile, Borders employees are subsisting on a glue-and-pulp soup made from boiling unsold copies of Sarah Palin's memoir.

That's all for now! Have an awesome Monday, everyone! Leave your comments, email/repost us to your hearts' content, and we'll see you again tomorrow!