Happy Thursday to all you Gregorian calendar-aficionados! Let's see what's funny.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Showing posts with label shark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shark. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012
Well, with 89% of precincts reporting, I still don't care about the Iowa Caucus. So don't expect any jokes about it today. Maybe I'll give a damn tomorrow. But I do give a damn about these jokes. Read them and enjoy, or not.
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday, the long, unending Kansas of the week. How's your week been so far? Anybody got that whole debt ceiling thing figured out yet? Anybody? Nope? Oh, okay. Anybody have a copy of Rosetta Stone: Mandarin I could borrow? Xie xie...
Until then, enjoy these Xiào Huà!
Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?
In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.
Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.
Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.
International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.
You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.
Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.
And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.
Till then, have a great day!
Until then, enjoy these Xiào Huà!
Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?
In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.
Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.
Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.
International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.
You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.
Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.
And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.
Till then, have a great day!
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