Joy! It's joke time again!
Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."
Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.
A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.
In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.
Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.
Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."
Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."
And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.
Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?
Showing posts with label joe paterno. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joe paterno. Show all posts
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011
Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
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