Thursday Morning Monologue - June 2, 2011

Holla! Welcome to your Thursday, everyone. It's almost over! Can you taste it? I don't know what it is, but it's exciting, right? Hey, speaking of exciting, yesterday was National Running Day. Newt Gingrich celebrated by tripping himself. Does that even make sense? Oh, who cares.

Anyway.

Google announced yesterday that someone had hacked into Gmail, stealing the personal data of thousands of users. Obviously Google is upset about this. After all, they worked hard to steal that personal data in the first place! Doesn't seem fair.

Big news from the world of celebrities you can't remember why you know: Kim Kardashian will be changing her name after she marries her fiance, Kris Humphries. She actually picked out her own new name: SVETLANA KARDASHIAN. She may have been unclear as to how this thing works. But she'll get it figured out, because she's so traditional.

In entertainment on purpose news, Patrick Dempsey announced that he will be leaving Grey's Anatomy at the end of this season. Apparently he's worried about being typecast as the guy who stars in crappy shows.

You know what else? In a recent interview looking back over his life, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne said"I'm very blessed." At least that's what we think he said.

In politics, Sarah Palin spent a night in nearby Jersey City during her NYC visit, apparently trying to convince herself not to run for any office that would put her in charge of fixing places like Jersey City.

In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner has come under fire for allegedly emailing a picture of his own crotch to a woman over Twitter. That's unfortunate for a guy with his name. To head off the flood of cheap jokes, he has temporarily changed his name to Penis Weiner. Don't worry, he'll figure it out.

In health news, a study by the World Health Organization found evidence that cell phones are carcinogenic. Does that mean we can finally get them barred from clubs and restaurants? Is there such a thing as second hand brain cancer?

Speaking of brain cancer, protestors from the famed and insaned Westboro Baptist Church were kept out of Arlington National Cemetery this weekend by... the KKK. Who are we supposed to root for in that conflict? That's like the Mavericks and the Heat in the NBA finals! No matter who comes out on top, a jerk has won.

And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.

Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.

And don't forget your sunblock!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2011

It's one month till tax day. Have you done yours yet? I did my taxes this weekend, and it was so much fun I want to do it again! Why, yes, I am a member of the Democratic Party. Why do you ask? That doesn't actually count as a joke. Those are contained below.

The hacker group Anonymous is making a name for itself this week, with the release of secret emails from Bank of America employees. It's really not a big deal, though, as the emails were mostly forwards from icanhascheezburger.com.

In Darwinian news, trainers at Sea World will soon be returning to the work with the orcas. Work stopped with the massive sea beasts after one of them killed a trainer last year. It's like that old saying goes, if you fall off the horse, you've gotta get right back on, even if that horse is a giant aquatic killer that's trying to eat you.

Speaking of saddles, Lou Dobbs is back on television, hosting a new program on Fox Business Channel, proving that you can't keep a good paranoid reactionary down. He will be sharing hosting duties with his jowls.

The NFL players union is gearing up for a strike this month. However, in a press release issued today, the union guaranteed that the players will still keep up their same level of rapes.

In celebrity news, a sex tape featuring music star Usher is up for sale. MTV has already gone on the record saying they will not air the tape, but only because it could be misconstrued as a music video.

Al Qaida released a women's magazine this month, for some reason. The 30 page, glossy magazine is only available for purchase online, and includes beauty tips for women looking to marry a suicide bomber. Next month promises instruction on electronic jihad and exfoliation. Every word of this is true. Happy Women's History Month!

In Libya, thousands of migrant workers are leaving the country due to the escalating violence, and many are vowing never to return. The story was reported on Fox Business Channel by a visibly aroused Lou Dobbs.

And lastly, the producers of Grey's Anatomy announced that the long-running show will have a musical episode in the near future. It's hard to tell if this is out of a desire to explore the characters and complex issues in the show through a new and heretofore untapped medium, or if they just now got around to ripping off season 6 of Scrubs. Either way, SING ON!

That's it for me today. If you feel like these weren't the best you've ever read... well, I'd agree. Hope you enjoyed them anyway.

See you tomorrow!