Thursday Morning Monologue - January 19, 2012

It's Thursday! Let's enjoy some jokes!

Punk rock icon Johnny Ramone's autobiography is coming out this year and will inspire years of shitty knock-off autobiographies.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, facing a recall election this summer, said that the election is "all about union money." He then got back to work, giving a full body massage to the Koch brothers.

Goldman Sachs announced that their profits are down 58% from a year ago. In a related story, PEOPLE ARE STILL GIVING MONEY TO GOLDMAN SACHS!

A study of teenagers online found that more and more young people are sharing their online passwords as a sign of affection. Please, kids, be safe. Save your security questions for marriage. You can never get those back.

Speaking of staying safe, many in Los Angeles' porn industry may leave the city when new regulations go into effect requiring actors to wear condoms. And to Los Angeles, I say let them go. If the industry won't use condoms, it never loved you in the first place. In a related story, 18 year-old runaways hoping to make it in movies will now need to learn how to type.

Singer Sinead O'Connor is in treatment for depression, and we wish her the best of luck. One bit of advice to her doctors: don't let her listen to her albums. Any of them.

Newt Gingrich attacked President Obama as the "food stamp" President, saying "when I'm President, no one will be on food stamps!"

And finally, China will now require Internet users to verify their names before commenting on websites. The move is expected to cut down on government criticism as well as "general dickishness."

And that's all for me! Enjoy Spencer tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great weekend!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 9, 2012

How about that football, huh? Am I right?

In sports, Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos to playoff victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers, proving once again that God loves Tim Tebow more than rape.

Filmmaker Tom Hanks announced that his new Web series will be available for streaming on Yahoo.com. It's part of a plan to make sure as few people see it as possible (NBC was not available, apparently).

The New York City Opera is now on a lockout, just like the NBA experienced recently except for who gives a shit about the opera?

Think you hate America? Think again. MTV announced they would be airing the reality program Caged, about cage fighting. It's like Fight Club, except the acting is far worse.

Speaking of movies, the people behind the Oscars are now proposing that documentaries must be reviewed by New York Times or Los Angeles Times in order to be eligible for an Academy Award. Said one organizer, "we're just so sick of watching documentaries."

Keifer Sutherland was out promoting his new program, Touch, and said that it was not an effort to bury Jack Bauer, which is good news because we'd all hate to see Keifer Sutherland get murdered by Jack Bauer.

In celebrity wedding news, Sinead O'Connor said this weekend that she is actually still married, and who gives a shit?

And finally, Papa John's Pizza apologizes for an anti-asian racial slur printed on one of its receipts. A spokesman for the pizza chain said that Papa John's means no disrespect to asian cultures. Just Italian.

Okay, that's all! More tomorrow, I bet. Till then, have a great day?

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2011

Greetings, fair travelers. Prithee, halt thine surfing of yonder webbe and partake in the repast of joviality collected herein to amuse and delight the humours of the minde! Oh, man, that's awful. Can you just pretend you read a nice introductory paragraph? I'll do better tomorrow. By Zeus' gleaming taile, I fhalle!

Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.

In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?

Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.

A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."

President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.

New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.

Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!

And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."

And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - November 7, 2011

Good morning! How's your coffee? Or whatever beverage you have. That was presumptuous of me. It might be orange juice. Or maybe you can't make up your mind, and just pour your orange juice right into the coffee pot. I've had worse. Seriously, splash a little soy milk in there... and I've said too much. Starbucks has spies everywhere! And we've got jokes right here. Enjoy them with the beverage(s) of your choice.

Last week, shares of the daily deal company Goupon were heavily traded, largely because of the two-for-one deal they sent out on Friday morning.

In more Internet "news," the CIA revealed it has agents tracking up to 5 million suspicious tweets per day. They don't participate in "Follow Fridays," but they're pretty big on "Rendition Mondays."

Singer and Canadian phenom Justin Bieber denied a recent claim that he fathered a child out of wedlock. It's ridiculous, because everyone knows Bieber only does anal.

Speaking of buttholes, author Salman Rushdie tweeted a limerick last week mocking Kim Kardashian's divorce, leading many to wonder when Salman Rushdie started working for Perez Hilton? Come to think of it, have they ever been photographed together? I'm going to go ahead and say it now: Salman Rushdie and Perez Hilton are the same person.

Fact: the Kardashian-Humphries marriage lasted only ten weeks, disappointing friends, family and fans of the young couple. On the other hand, if NBC's Whitney were to end after only ten weeks, no one would be upset. At all.

Singer-songwriter Sinead O'Connor offered some showbiz advice to her daughter in a recent interview. She said, above all, stay true to yourself, believe in your talent, and try not to tear up pictures of the Pope. Apparently that really pisses people off.

In business news, Russian and Chinese companies were found to be the most likely to pay bribes when doing business in other countries, according to a report issued last week by the Vaguely Racist Institute.

And finally, Herman Cain said this weekend that he was putting the drama of last week behind him, and is now 100% back on message. And that message is "come over here and sit on my lap."

How about that? Good enough for a Monday? Damn well better be. Just wait until you see what Tuesday is gonna be like! Till then, have a great day!