Thursday Morning Monologue - March 22, 2012

It's Thursday! Some stuff happened, and continues to happen. Let's make fun of it.

Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?

In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.

Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.

In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."

Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.

Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.

PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.

Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.

And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?

Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 24, 2011

The White House is having an Easter egg hunt today with 30,000 guests showing up to look for Easter eggs. And of course the Republicans immediately blamed Barack for losing all the eggs. "They were there when he took office!" The Democrats fought back by cutting healthcare and offering to raise taxes a little.

The Pope gave an Easter speech in which he said humanity wasn't an accident. He said "If man were merely a random product of evolution in some place on the margins of the universe, then his life would make no sense or might even be a chance of nature," he said. "But no, reason is there at the beginning: creative, divine reason." To which I counter: Charlie Sheen.

The Russian Space Agency is denying rumors of secret sex experiments in space. They claim there's "no official or unoffical evidence of sexual intercourse in space, and it certainly wasn't awkward the next morning when everyone woke up but refused to discuss the events of the night before."

Texas governor Rick Perry is asking Texans to pray for rain. That's never going to work. If you've ever been to Texas, you know God gave up on it a long time ago.

Speaking of religion, the King James Bible turns 400 this year. The book has left a lasting legacy. It was the first reboot of an aging franchise. More people have pretended to read that book than any other book in the world.

The Paul Reiser Show was cancelled after just two episodes. Upon hearing that news, Texas Governer Rick Perry said his prayers had been answered.

Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spencer!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 14, 2011

Did you know that "Thursday" is named for the legendary Greek hero "Thursdosius?" You didn't know that? Well, don't feel bad. It's not true. Who needs segues? We've got jokes!

Apple announced this week that they are releasing an update to their popular video editing software, Final Cut Pro X, much to the delight of software pirates.

In Israel, a vacationing Justin Bieber has been besieged by hordes of crazed fans. Said one witness to the Bieber-mania, "these people act like he's the second coming! Or the first coming, depending on who you ask."

In Syria, thousands of women took to the streets and blocked a major highway as part of a protest demanding the release of government prisoners. Typical. Even when they're not allowed to drive, women still manage to mess up traffic.

In Egypt, former president Hosni Mubarak was detained by the "government" on corruption charges. Now that he's under investigation and may be indicted, the not-so-strongman mused "I wish I'd made the jails nicer while I had the chance."

Speaking of jails, a jail in South Carolina was accused of violating prisoners' civil rights by allowing the inmates to only read the Bible. Said one inmate, "it's been rough. Have you ever tried masturbating to the Bible? It just feels wrong!"

Also disturbing, the TSA ruled this week that screeners acted properly in the pat-down of a six year old girl at the New Orleans airport. In a related story, Roman Polanski just applied for a job.

An audience member at American Idol is claiming she was barred from a front row seat because she's overweight. A spokesman for the show said "that's ridiculous. Her weight had nothing to do with our decision. It was actually her hideous, disgusting face. Did you see this girl? Ugh!"

Lastly, famed musician and gourmand Ozzy Osbourne was named a "legend" by the music magazine Kerrang! His status as a legend will undoubtedly lead future generations to doubt his existence, assuming him to be nothing more than the personification of the best parts of the human spirit. Maybe they'll name Thursday after him.

That's it for me! Have a great day, tell your friends, sound off below, and come see us again tomorrow!