Showing posts with label bush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bush. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011


Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2011

NewsCorp announced this week that they are ready to be rid of MySpace, which puts them almost four years behind the rest of America. The announcement is terrible news for fans of Dane Cook and great news for people who hate java.

A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.

In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.

In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.

In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.

Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."

Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.

Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."

That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!