Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2012

Today is a very special edition of the Late Night Morning.

It's come to our attention that a woman in California, when sued for illegally downloading and sharing a pornographic film, countersued the producers arguing that porn cannot be protected by copyright because it doesn't "promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts," as laid out in the U.S. Constitution. While it remains for the courts to decide just how useful poledancing is, we've got a few suggestions for how to make pornography more artistically valid: by combining it with Shakespeare. Sex up the Bard, and everyone knows it's artistic. Also, this stuff is public domain! Go crazy! Titles and sample dialog follow.

MacButt
(AKA The Scottish Porn)

"Is this a wiener I see before me? Come, let me clutch thee."

The Merchant of Penis

"In sooth, I know not why I am so horny."

King Leer

"Meantime we shall express our sexier purpose"

Much Ado About Humping

"I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your pants... yet."

Humplet

"To bone, or not to bone"

Othell-Hoe

"It is the one-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on"

Taming of the Screw

"I'll not bulge an inch. More like 12."

The Two Gentlemen of Verona and the Babysitter

"Come not within the measure of my boner"

The Merry Wives of Windsor and the Babysitter

"Why, then the world's mine bearded clam"

A Midsummer Night's Sex Dream

"I am that merry humper of the night"

Love's Labours Lost (In my Pants)

"Let me take you a butthole lower"

As You Like It (In my Pants)

"I can suck melancholy out of a schlong as a weasel sucks eggs"

All's Well That Ends Well (In my Pants)

"My friends were poor, but sexy"

The Winter's Piece of Tail

"You pay a great deal too dear for what's given freely on the street corner"

Coriol-Anus

"Faith, there have been many great men that have flatter'd the people, who ne'er boned them"

Tight Ass Andronicus

"She is a woman, therefore may be sexed-up"

Julius She-sar

"I come not to bury She-sar, but to bang him"

You're welcome, pr0n. Tomorrow, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 17, 2011

Welcome back, hope you're having a wonderful (whatever time of day you're experiencing)! We've got a great blog for you today, so let's get to it!

Actress and director Jodie Foster once again defended Mel Gibson in the press, saying "I will love him for the rest of my life," before adding "but not like that. You know." Somewhere in federal prison, John Hinkley stared out a window and whispered "yeah, I know."

In literary news, Jermaine Jackson announced he is writing a book this week, and no one cared at all.

In England, a man was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison for forcing his stepson to sleep in a straightjacket and restraints. Let this serve as a warning: parents, don't try and force your children to live out your failed dream of being a famous escape artist. In all seriousness, it's pretty awful to make a kid sleep in a straightjacket, but at least he wasn't being raised in the Westboro Baptist Church.

In an unrelated story, the Republican National Committee is exploring the possibility of selling broadcast rights for the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary Debates. This makes sense, considering the candidates will have already been bought and paid for.

In Italy, Silvio Berlusconi defended himself in the press against charges that he paid for sex with 33 women in a two month period. His defense: he's too old to have had sex with them all in such a short amount of time. And that's probably true. He probably only banged some of them.

Disney announced today that the proposed remake of The Yellow Submarine has been cancelled, due to the fact that people aren't taking nearly enough psychedelic drugs for the film to be profitable.

Speaking of news that makes you think you've been drugged, Nevada's favorite daughter, Sharon Angle, is planning to run for the U.S. House of Representatives. The RNC has pledged its support, offering her a truckload of "Sharon Angle in 2011" yard signs.

And finally, Seann William Scott signed on for another sequel in the American Pie franchise, telling his fans "well, it was either this or another tired King Lear remake. And they very rarely let you drink a beer spiked with semen in Shakespeare. Don't worry, I know who I am."

That's all for me this week, I do hope you remember me fondly. Spencer is here tomorrow, and Earnest is back on Sunday, so do keep coming back! Let us know what you think, and please tell your friends!