Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Showing posts with label snooki. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snooki. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2011
Welcome to the new week, everyone! It's gonna be a blast! Oh, whatever. It's Monday. Get through it. These jokes might help.
This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.
In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."
Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.
In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.
In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...
In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.
In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.
And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.
That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.
Onward to Tuesday!
This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.
In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."
Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.
In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.
In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...
In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.
In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.
And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.
That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.
Onward to Tuesday!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 13, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In an interview this week, the Jersey Shore "star" known as "Snooki" said she is tired of her nickname. In a related story, America is tired of her. Oh, and she wrote a novel. So, expect to see thousands of unread copies of the book littering east coast beaches this summer.
In an interview this week, the Jersey Shore "star" known as "Snooki" said she is tired of her nickname. In a related story, America is tired of her. Oh, and she wrote a novel. So, expect to see thousands of unread copies of the book littering east coast beaches this summer.
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