Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2013

German economists suspect that Greece will have to have another bailout to fully recover. That's the downside of having your bailouts provided by Lay's Potato Chips: no one can have just one!

In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.

If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.

In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.

Again, good people will enjoy that joke.

Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.

In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.

Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.

In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.

And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.

God Save The Queen.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 21, 2011

Hey, thanks Spencer for filling in yesterday. I heard a rumor about the perfect under... never mind. Best not to dwell on what might have been. But now I'm back, and this time, it's personal. Well, actually, it's pretty impersonal when you think about it. I mean, I'm not really telling you anything about myself. It's all pretty generic. Anybody could be telling these jokes. They would just have to pay me for them, and for others that I would surely write day after day. Hint. HINT. I assume that the 26 people reading this blog are all in the late night comedy writing business. Right? Anyway...

Rumors are circulating about a "major" redesign of Facebook in the near future because, according to a spokesman, "we haven't pissed users off in the last few weeks."

"Popular" web mail service Yahoo.com apologized yesterday for sending an unknown number of emails about an upcoming Wall Street protest straight into users' SPAM folders. In Yahoo's defense, it was called the "Canad1an Pharmacy HUGE BOOBS buy g0ld protest."

U.S. attorneys alleged yesterday that Full Tilt Poker, a gambling website, was misusing money wagered by players. This startling news was revealed by the special Obvious Crimes Unit.

A London man stabbed for defending a pregnant woman and an elderly person from a youth gang said he had "no regrets" and would "do it again," before adding "well, everything but the 'getting stabbed' part. I'd probably dodge or something if I did it again."

Netflix announced late Sunday that they would be splitting their online streaming service and DVD rental service into two companies as part of their "earn less money" strategy. Did they just get bought by NBC?

Google opened the new Google+ service to all users this week, so now everyone can sign up for an account and then do absolutely nothing with it.

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central Monday night? I decided to watch homeless guys fight over some stale bread because it made me feel slightly less horrible. Seriously, roasting Charlie Sheen right now is like standing by a cancer patient's bed and crackin' jokes while they refuse chemo. I heard Tyson was good, though.

And lastly, a study found that films depicting people smoking make young people more likely to smoke. Hollywood, are you listening? You know what you have to do: start making movies about people who pull their pants all the way up, listen to decent music and don't watch Jersey Shore. Use your power wisely!

That's all for now. Hope your Wednesday is glorious. See you tomorrow!