Welcome to Wednesday, the day that's spelled like it doesn't sound. What a dumb day. Let's pretend it's Whensday. That sounds better, right? Oh, who cares. We've got jokes!
In political news, Rick Santorum formed a Presidential exploratory committee for 2012. Already they've determined his biggest obstacle will be overcoming the fact that he's a total tool.
In other shitty idea news, Jerry Spring announced he's going to take on Donald Trump and run for President. Someone needs to explain to both of these guys the pay cut they're in for. Oh, and also that they're both horribly unqualified for the job.
On Broadway, the new musical from Matt Stone and Trey Parker, The Book of Mormon, leads this season's Tony Awards with 14 nominations for songs which can never be played on network television. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, despite not officially opening, picked up special nominations for most dangerous play and stupidest name.
Archaeologists and astronomers reported this week that the Mayan calendar, and its "prediction" of an impending apocalypse, may be off by 50 years or more. Also, it may be completely made up.
In California, former comedian Andy Dick got arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a Marie Calendar restaurant in a clear sign his career isn't completely over. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
In Washington, a statue of President Gerald Ford was unveiled at the Capitol building. It promptly fell over. We miss you, Gerry.
In other political news, Prince Charles in in America on and official visit, for some reason. He's not getting married, so no one really cares.
And lastly, YouTube is preparing to offer premium movie rentals, which will face stiff competition from the pirated versions that have already been uploaded.
That's all. Hope you enjoyed it! Tell your friends, and come see us again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label Turn Off the Dark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Turn Off the Dark. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everyone! In honor of it being Tuesday, I've written some jokes.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
In Texas, police were baffled by a homemade grenade found on the side of the highway. Then they remembered that it was Texas.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2011
Welcome back, everyone! Did you have great weekend? Well, it's over now. Perhaps some jokes will make the day fly by. Let's see!
In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.
In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.
Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.
Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.
Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.
Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"
In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.
Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.
In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.
In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.
Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.
Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.
Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.
Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"
In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.
Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.
Okay, that's all from me today. Tell your friends and repost this like it's a dancing cat that just came from the dentist on Friday. Come back tomorrow for more stuff like this stuff, and until then, have a great day!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Friday's with Spencer
Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark recently topped the play Wicked in ticket sales, despite only having preview showings. Turn Off the Dark will continue to do well until the entire cast is decapitated.
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