Congrats to all the Emmy winners, specifically to HBO's Veep and Game of Thrones. One is a pessimistic examination of how human nature can be corrupted and compromised by the quest for power, and the other one has dragons and stuff.
In Colorado, a homeless man was sentenced to six months in prison for massive littering. In fact, he dumped over four tons of garbage in a national forest...
... Volunteers said the forest was more disgusting than Donald Trump hitting on his own daughter.
... It was the most heinous dump taken in Colorado since Alferd Packer got out of prison.
... and now Smokey the Bear has hepatitis.
... and at least half of it was the starting lineup for the Denver Nuggets.
... next, on the season premier of Outdoor Hoarders.
... So now Sesame Street will be going on hiatus until Oscar finishes serving the sentence.
... otherwise known as the Mile High Music Festival.
... so if your Coors Light tastes a little funny, that's probably why.
In other disgusting news, Ben Carson said that he could not support a Muslim for President, because the Qur'an is incompatible with the U.S. Constitution, adding "yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it's at most the second craziest thing you're going to hear a presidential candidate say today."
Speaking of Trump saying crazy things, the latest (as of this joke being written), is that Mr. Trump doesn't accept that Pres. Obama was born in the U.S. and is not a Muslim. He can't accept those facts, but has no trouble believing:
... that thing on his head looks like human hair.
... putting your name on enough buildings will make your dick seem bigger.
... there's nothing hypocritical about decrying the use of cheap Mexican labor by American companies while simultaneously having his clothing line assembled in Mexico.
... people like him for who he is.
And one more: Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump's hair looks like Dairy Queen soft serve ice cream, and now she's being sued by Dairy Queen.
Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she made some news recently for dancing with supporters on a rope line in New Hampshire. The dancing turned a little competitive, with Sec. Clinton eventually yelling in a supporter's face: YOU GOT SERVERED! It was almost as awkward as the last two years of her husband's presidency.
Later, gators!
Showing posts with label president obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label president obama. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge
In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 3, 2013
Word came out that the NSA has been spying on Brazil, and boy have they got their panties in a wad over this. Or, they would if they wore any panties.
London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.
Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.
Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.
Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.
President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.
The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.
And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.
London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.
Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.
Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.
Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.
President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.
The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.
And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013
Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.
Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.
In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.
In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"
In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.
He should have at least added "habit-forming."
Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.
A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.
And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.
And thanks for reading!
Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.
In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.
In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"
In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.
He should have at least added "habit-forming."
Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.
A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.
And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.
And thanks for reading!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2013
Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.
In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.
Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.
And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"
In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.
On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."
Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.
And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.
Later!
In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.
Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.
And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"
In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.
On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."
Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.
And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.
Later!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013
President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.
The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.
Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.
NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.
Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.
Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.
The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"
And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.
Go Blackhawks.
The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.
Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.
NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.
Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.
Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.
The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"
And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.
Go Blackhawks.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2013
Archaeologists revealed evidence recently that French winemaking actually comes from Italy. Still no word on where they got the arrogance.
A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.
Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.
Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.
In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.
Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.
President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.
And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.
That's all.
A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.
Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.
Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.
In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.
Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.
President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.
And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.
That's all.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013
Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2013
President Obama apologized for the apparent bias and discrimination the IRS showed in investigating certain Tea Party groups applying for tax-exempt status, especially since bias and discrimination were the groups' reason for existing.
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013
Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.
Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.
On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.
In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.
Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."
A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.
I don't know what that means.
A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.
Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"
And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.
And that's it! Later, cats.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 28, 2013
Hey, welcome back! Okay.
Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.
Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"
At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."
Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.
New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."
And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.
Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"
At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."
Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.
New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."
And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012
In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.
Later!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012
Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012
Fire the jokes!
Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.
A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.
Thanks a lot, Obama!
Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.
At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.
In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.
Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.
In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."
And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?
CAN YOU!?
Later.
Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.
A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.
Thanks a lot, Obama!
Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.
At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.
In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.
Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.
In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."
And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?
CAN YOU!?
Later.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 4, 2012
Welcome back! Hope you had an awesome day off. No banter today, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you see it.
Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.
A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.
In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.
A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.
The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.
On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.
A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.
Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.
And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.
Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.
Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.
A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.
In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.
A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.
The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.
On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.
A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.
Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.
And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.
Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012
Good morning, my friends.
Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.
Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."
In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.
A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.
Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.
Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.
Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.
Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...
And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.
That's the end!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2012
Hi! Meteorologists report that this is so far the hottest summer on record for the northeast. It's probably because of my new haircut. Sorry, everyone.
Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.
According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.
Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!
The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.
That's a masturbation joke.
The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.
"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.
Three dick jokes? Is this a record?
Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.
And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.
That's the end!
Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.
According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.
Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!
The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.
That's a masturbation joke.
The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.
"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.
Three dick jokes? Is this a record?
Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.
And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.
That's the end!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2012
You guys like jokes and stuff?
Actor and human wall Michael Clarke Duncan survived a heart attack last week thanks to the heroic actions of his girlfriend, Omarosa, who found him and performed CPR on the 325lb man. The only downside is that he can never win another argument with her again.
Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao promised to focus on job creation going forward, to which a confused Speaker Boehner replied "China's going to try and outlaw abortion?"
Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said this week that she blames the increase in drug trafficking and unchecked arms sales for the increased violence in Africa over the last decade. She also blamed gravity for making stuff fall.
In Olympic news, Jamaican runner Yohan Blake said that his close friendship with fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt will survive no matter what happens at the London Olympics, to which Bolt replied "I'm totally going to bang your wife at the Olympics. HIGH FIVE!"
In Akron, Ohio, a 37 year-old single mother has been panhandling on the streets, trying to raise money for breast impants, which she says will help raise her self-esteem. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me!
In New York, Katie Holmes enrolled her daughter Suri in Catholic school, because she didn't want her child indoctrinated into a cult.
In Arizona, famed sheriff Joe Arpaio was shocked to hear he was the target of a profanity-filled comedy routine from George Lopez. George Lopez was shocked to hear that Joe Arpaio gave a damn what a Latino had to say.
And finally, former Governor John Sununu, while campaigning for Mitt Romney, said he wished that President Obama "would learn to be an American." Sununu clarified his comment later, saying that he only meant the President "should be quite a bit fatter."
And that's... how you end... your... bloooooooooooooooooooooog! You were meant to imagine me singing and dancing that last part, like the end of a big Broadway showstopper. Go back and read it again with that in mind. Pretty sweet, right? Okay, see you tomorrow!
Actor and human wall Michael Clarke Duncan survived a heart attack last week thanks to the heroic actions of his girlfriend, Omarosa, who found him and performed CPR on the 325lb man. The only downside is that he can never win another argument with her again.
Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao promised to focus on job creation going forward, to which a confused Speaker Boehner replied "China's going to try and outlaw abortion?"
Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said this week that she blames the increase in drug trafficking and unchecked arms sales for the increased violence in Africa over the last decade. She also blamed gravity for making stuff fall.
In Olympic news, Jamaican runner Yohan Blake said that his close friendship with fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt will survive no matter what happens at the London Olympics, to which Bolt replied "I'm totally going to bang your wife at the Olympics. HIGH FIVE!"
In Akron, Ohio, a 37 year-old single mother has been panhandling on the streets, trying to raise money for breast impants, which she says will help raise her self-esteem. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me!
In New York, Katie Holmes enrolled her daughter Suri in Catholic school, because she didn't want her child indoctrinated into a cult.
In Arizona, famed sheriff Joe Arpaio was shocked to hear he was the target of a profanity-filled comedy routine from George Lopez. George Lopez was shocked to hear that Joe Arpaio gave a damn what a Latino had to say.
And finally, former Governor John Sununu, while campaigning for Mitt Romney, said he wished that President Obama "would learn to be an American." Sununu clarified his comment later, saying that he only meant the President "should be quite a bit fatter."
And that's... how you end... your... bloooooooooooooooooooooog! You were meant to imagine me singing and dancing that last part, like the end of a big Broadway showstopper. Go back and read it again with that in mind. Pretty sweet, right? Okay, see you tomorrow!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012
Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2012
What's this?! Technology has wrought an out-loud recording of joke-like humor materials?! Yes, that's what's happened. Enjoy the weekend rundown, featuring:
Hosni Mubarak!
Joe Biden! (no relation)
Facebook!
Ice Cream!
President Obama!
GLAAD!
GLAD! (no relation)
Isn't that fun! Listen and download, a'ight?!
Hosni Mubarak!
| Official Bastard. |
Joe Biden! (no relation)
| Look at those teeth! |
Facebook!
| Sometimes... |
Ice Cream!
| Dairy-free! |
President Obama!
| For better or worse. |
GLAAD!
| Acronyms are hard, sometimes |
GLAD! (no relation)
| STRONG! |
Isn't that fun! Listen and download, a'ight?!
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