Monday Morning Monologue - April 29, 2013

In Italy, a new national coalition government was just sworn in, marking the end of a period of great hope for the European Union.

In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.

The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."

Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.

The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!

Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.

If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.

And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.

And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013

Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.

Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.

On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.

In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.

Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."

A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.

I don't know what that means.

A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.

Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"

And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.

And that's it! Later, cats.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013

Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.

In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.

The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.

In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.

Chris Brown is an asshole.

New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.

Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.

Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.

And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."

And that's how we're ending today.