What a great day for making fun of stuff!
Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?
Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.
In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.
The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."
Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.
In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.
Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.
And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.
Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?
Showing posts with label ladies night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ladies night. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2012
Good times are here again, people. It's Ladies' Night here at Late Night Morning, so help yourself to some shitty beer. I don't even know what that means. Let's dance! I mean, how about some jokes?
A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.
Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.
In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.
Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.
He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.
Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.
Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.
And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!
That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!
A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.
Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.
In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.
Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.
He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.
Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.
Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.
And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!
That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!
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