Did everyone have a great weekend? I'm pretty sure I explicitly told everyone who reads this blog to have a great weekend. So, I really hope you did it. Because I'm a megalomaniac. And now, jokes.
On Meet the Press yesterday, actual Senator Lindsey Graham explained his opposition to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, saying that the regulatory body was "something out of the Stalinist era." His new economic adviser Yakov Smirnoff then added, "in Soviet Russia, Financial Protection Bureau consumes you!"
In Virginia, a woman was arrested for falsely claiming to be a cancer survivor in order to solicit donations. The woman has publicly apologized, and offered to join a tanning salon.
Astronomers confirmed the possible presence of planets made entirely of diamonds recently. Newt Gingrich has already purchased one on credit.
Speaking of Gingrich, the Arab League recently condemned comments he made about Palestinians as ignorant and racist. Newt thanked them for their endorsement.
Rick Perry screwed up again this week, when he misidentified the number of US Supreme Court Justices during an interview. Fortunately, that kid who stumped Michele Bachmann was there to set him straight.
In other Rick Perry news, he and Mitt Romney got into a heated debate about healthcare, and Romney offered to bet Perry $10,000 that he was right. That's $10,000, or as uninsured Americans call it "the amount of money we need to keep getting chemotherapy for another week."
Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega was extradited back to Panama this week after spending 22 years in prison overseas. He's expected to serve out the rest of his life in Panamanian prison where, if he's truly lucky, he will die without ever having seen an episode of NBC's Whitney.
And finally, in the Ukraine, a group of young women protested the recent Russian parliamentary elections by stripping in front of a Moscow church. Let that be a lesson to you, Vladimir Putin. You screw around with the elections, and young women will come to your city and take off their clothes. Hmm. Wait a minute...
Showing posts with label ukraine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ukraine. Show all posts
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2011
What is this, Monday? Oh, the Hell with that.
Okay, jokes now.
This week, an Italian diesel tanker was seized by pirates in the open sea off the coast of Benin, in west Africa. Just so we're clear, American manufacturing is shrinking, while African sea piracy is expanding. Whatever the IMF is doing, they need to start doing the opposite.
Speaking of money, Speaker Boehner walked out of debt-ceiling discussions with President Obama on Friday and then refused to take his call. Seems like a dick move, Boehner. Yes, that's right, you get jokes about how your name sounds like "boner" until you quit acting like a penis.
In news of talks that stand a chance in Hell, the U.S. State Department invited representatives from North Korea to rejoin anti-proliferation talks. North Korea said they will return to the negotiations on the condition of tacos. They want tacos. Because they have no food! Sad. But tacos sure are good, right?
Someone who won't be enjoying tacos for a while? R&B singer R. Kelly. Mr. Kelly recently had emergency tonsil surgery, and we wish him the best as he recovers. His publicist issued a statement saying that he won't be able to sing during recovery, but he should have no problems peeing on people.
In other romantic news, singer/dancer/Abdul-replacer Jennifer Lopez capped off the end of her marriage by flying to The Ukraine to perform at wedding reception, because apparently there's no word in Ukranian for "irony."
Speaking of international entertainers, Canadian law enforcement authorities have declined to honor American extradition requests for Randy Quaid, saying that "he's just too damn fun!" Seriously, the guy can be pretty entertaining. I can understand why they'd want to keep him. After all, we're keeping Dave Foley, so it seems only fair.
In other entertainment money news, a rare photo of the Beatles' first U.S. concert recently sold for $360,000 at auction. And Ringo still won't sign it.
And finally, Sunday marked the first day that gay marriage became legal in the state of New York. Many church groups vehemently protested this expansion of civil rights, including many predominantly black churches, because apparently there's no word in the Bible for "irony."
That's it. And I mean that sincerely. Let's do this again, what say? How about in roughly 24 hours? So, if you have an entire season of 24 saved on your DVR, with commercials, start watching it now, and when you're done, there should be another one of these things to read.
Till then, have a great day!
Okay, jokes now.
This week, an Italian diesel tanker was seized by pirates in the open sea off the coast of Benin, in west Africa. Just so we're clear, American manufacturing is shrinking, while African sea piracy is expanding. Whatever the IMF is doing, they need to start doing the opposite.
Speaking of money, Speaker Boehner walked out of debt-ceiling discussions with President Obama on Friday and then refused to take his call. Seems like a dick move, Boehner. Yes, that's right, you get jokes about how your name sounds like "boner" until you quit acting like a penis.
In news of talks that stand a chance in Hell, the U.S. State Department invited representatives from North Korea to rejoin anti-proliferation talks. North Korea said they will return to the negotiations on the condition of tacos. They want tacos. Because they have no food! Sad. But tacos sure are good, right?
Someone who won't be enjoying tacos for a while? R&B singer R. Kelly. Mr. Kelly recently had emergency tonsil surgery, and we wish him the best as he recovers. His publicist issued a statement saying that he won't be able to sing during recovery, but he should have no problems peeing on people.
In other romantic news, singer/dancer/Abdul-replacer Jennifer Lopez capped off the end of her marriage by flying to The Ukraine to perform at wedding reception, because apparently there's no word in Ukranian for "irony."
Speaking of international entertainers, Canadian law enforcement authorities have declined to honor American extradition requests for Randy Quaid, saying that "he's just too damn fun!" Seriously, the guy can be pretty entertaining. I can understand why they'd want to keep him. After all, we're keeping Dave Foley, so it seems only fair.
In other entertainment money news, a rare photo of the Beatles' first U.S. concert recently sold for $360,000 at auction. And Ringo still won't sign it.
And finally, Sunday marked the first day that gay marriage became legal in the state of New York. Many church groups vehemently protested this expansion of civil rights, including many predominantly black churches, because apparently there's no word in the Bible for "irony."
That's it. And I mean that sincerely. Let's do this again, what say? How about in roughly 24 hours? So, if you have an entire season of 24 saved on your DVR, with commercials, start watching it now, and when you're done, there should be another one of these things to read.
Till then, have a great day!
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