Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013

Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.

IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.

Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.

On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...

Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.

Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.

At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”

South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.

And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.

And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012

Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.

NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.

At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.

Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.

In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”

A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.

The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.

A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.

And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:

"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."

You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012

Here's some jokes.

The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”

Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”

Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”

The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.

Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”

Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.

Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.

And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.

That's all!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2012

Hot news for hot people! Let's have some jokes!

In Olympic news, seven athletes from Cameroon have surreptitiously left the Olympic village, meaning that the country has totally won the Defecting for Economic Reasons event!

The NFL's first female referee said she isn't intimidated by her new role, promising that she can be just as awful as any male referee. Go get 'em!

In economic news, McDonald's blamed the sluggish economy for weak sales last quarter. Also, no toys.

Productivity among U.S. workers rose 1.6% during the 2nd quarter this year, leading to speculation that Facebook must have been down at some point.

Hurricane Ernesto is weakening over southern Mexico, probably due to diarrhea. Wouldn't be the first.

In Louisiana, a charter school is forcing girls to take pregnancy tests, and will ban any pregnant girls from school. This may be illegal, though, considering it violates the "No Fetus Left Behind" Act. Also, why would a school want to expel students who can pass a standardized test?

Gillian Anderson is back on the market, after breaking up with her longtime partner Mark Griffiths, and somehow I just got a boner in the year 2000.

And finally, the latest film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has been pushed back to a summer 2013 release, presumably to add more Channing Tatum and make it 3D.

Carol Channing Tatum. Think about that image.

Okay, that'll do, pig. And by "pig" I mean "the part of my brain that writes jokes." Bye!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2012

Check this out. It's jokes and such.

In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.

If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.

Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.

Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.

In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.

Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.

A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."

Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.

And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!

See you tomorrow, friends!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2012

It's Tuesday, my friends. Assuming that it's Tuesday when you're reading this. Have you caught Olympic fever yet? I'm not sure that I'm allowed to say "Olympic," actually. Let's see if we get a cease and desist order from the IOC. That's about the only Olympic souvenir I can afford.

JOKES!

Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that McDonald's and Coca-Cola are sponsoring the Olympic games? In a related story, NASCAR is now sponsored by Broken Glass and Potholes.

Yesterday, U.S. Customs Agents searching Tokyo-bound luggage found several pounds of methamphetamine disguised as Snickers bars. As if those things aren't addictive enough on their own.

In an interview with ABC News, former Vice President Cheney said that even though he supports gay marriage, he didn't see a point in bringing it up in the 2000 election. You know, because of all the bigots who wouldn't vote for him. Wait, was there a punchline? Oh, I guess this is like a comedy of manners. And the joke is that Dick Cheney is a horrible, horrible person.

The White House issued a report this week claiming that Colombia is no longer the world's leading cocaine producer, falling behind Peru and Bolivia in recent years. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's one more bronze medal for Colombia.

Conservative news site The Daily Caller was attacked by malware on Sunday, changing the website's banner ads to hardcore pornography. Editors apologized to any visitors to the website who may have inadvertently enjoyed themselves.

In India, a power outage in Northern India turned out the lights for over 300 million people, or as it is known in India, "a couple of neighborhoods."

In New Zealand, a 23-year-old man was treated for burns to his buttocks and genitals after attempting to launch fireworks from his own ass. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved, as well as the young man's belief that he is in fact Wile E. Coyote.

And finally, a Japanese company announced it is now selling a 4.5 ton, armed and armored robot that can be remotely piloted with an iPhone. And you thought drunk texting was dangerous.

There you go. Till tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2012

Happy Monday! See, that was meant ironically. Like these jokes.

Customs agents in Norway found two ounces of marijuana in Snoop Dogg's luggage, leading Snoop Dogg to wonder "where did I leave the other six pounds of marijuana I brought with me?"

Japanese ukulele players set a new world record for the most ukulele's played together in concert at one time this weekend. Those in attendance set a new world record for tolerating ukulele music.

Former Vice President Dick "Tin Woodsman" Cheney said in a recent interview that putting Sarah Palin on the 2008 ticket was "a mistake." Congratulations, Sarah Palin! You are now officially more repellent to Dick Cheney than torture and Lynne Cheney's awful romance novel.

A new study on workplace behavior revealed that people who curse on the job are less likely to be promoted, which is some real bullshit.

And finally, some tips for watching the Olympics.

• If you've ever wanted to watch competitors poop, your best options are long distance running and the horse dressage events.
• Fencers are no longer required to softly whisper their true love's name and expire after losing a match.
• Pay special attention to the rowing events, as those skills will become increasingly important once the polar ice caps melt and we're all living in friggin' Waterworld.
• Try not to think about all the things you could have accomplished if only you were willing to put in the time and effort.

That's it! Later, gaters.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012

Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!

NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.

In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.

The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.

In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.

In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.

A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.

Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.

And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.

And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2012

You guys like jokes and stuff?

Actor and human wall Michael Clarke Duncan survived a heart attack last week thanks to the heroic actions of his girlfriend, Omarosa, who found him and performed CPR on the 325lb man. The only downside is that he can never win another argument with her again.

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao promised to focus on job creation going forward, to which a confused Speaker Boehner replied "China's going to try and outlaw abortion?"

Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said this week that she blames the increase in drug trafficking and unchecked arms sales for the increased violence in Africa over the last decade. She also blamed gravity for making stuff fall.

In Olympic news, Jamaican runner Yohan Blake said that his close friendship with fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt will survive no matter what happens at the London Olympics, to which Bolt replied "I'm totally going to bang your wife at the Olympics. HIGH FIVE!"

In Akron, Ohio, a 37 year-old single mother has been panhandling on the streets, trying to raise money for breast impants, which she says will help raise her self-esteem. Seems like a fool-proof plan to me!

In New York, Katie Holmes enrolled her daughter Suri in Catholic school, because she didn't want her child indoctrinated into a cult.

In Arizona, famed sheriff Joe Arpaio was shocked to hear he was the target of a profanity-filled comedy routine from George Lopez. George Lopez was shocked to hear that Joe Arpaio gave a damn what a Latino had to say.

And finally, former Governor John Sununu, while campaigning for Mitt Romney, said he wished that President Obama "would learn to be an American." Sununu clarified his comment later, saying that he only meant the President "should be quite a bit fatter."

And that's... how you end... your... bloooooooooooooooooooooog! You were meant to imagine me singing and dancing that last part, like the end of a big Broadway showstopper. Go back and read it again with that in mind. Pretty sweet, right? Okay, see you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012

Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.

A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.

In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.

The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.

NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.

Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."

President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.

A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.

And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.

C'est fini!

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012

Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.

Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.

Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.

Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.

Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.

And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.

Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.

Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012

Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!

Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.

In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.

Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.

Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.

An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.

Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.

French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.

She's hot.

And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2012

Snap into a topical joke blog! Ooh, yeah! That's one spicy humor blog! I'm not good at advertising, or banter this week. But then again... jokes!

Barbara Walters apologized this week for helping an aide to Syria's Monster-in-Chief, Bashar Assad, who was trying to get a job in America. But then again, she said the same thing about Debbie Matenopoulos. 

Yesterday, the Olympic flame entered Dublin, Ireland. Several hours later, it slowly stumbled out, looking for eggs and hash.

Restaurant chain Taco Bell is trying to combat its image as a cheap, late-night fast food spot. So, they're introducing upscale items to the menu, hoping to give customers a classier diarrhea experience.

Actor and life-coach Charlie Sheen told Rolling Stone in an interview this week that he "was in total denial" in his life until recently, but has finally come to his senses. And by that, he means he finally admits that Two and a Half Men was a terrible show. Oh, and probably something about not doing cocaine, I would guess.

Mitt Romney's personal email may have been hacked. Friends and family became suspicious when they started receiving emails from the former Governor that were logically coherent and full of factually correct information.

Hey, music fans! Ziggy Stardust just turned 40 years old! But that's only 21 in Martian Spider years.

Technology news now! A hacker claimed yesterday to have stolen 6.5 million passwords from the LinkedIn social networking site. Industry experts doubt the claim, though, as clearly there have never been 6.5 million LinkedIn users.

And finally, in other tech news, Ironfire Capital founder Eric Jackson said yesterday that Facebook will disappear in a few years. He's also very optimistic about his genital herpes clearing up any time now.

</ha ha ha> until tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2012

Hey! Did you break out your white pants yesterday? It's officially allowed now, whereas before Memorial Day the Fashion Police would have shot you on site. Tough but fair. These jokes are also tough but fair. Wait, they're neither of those things. Still, you might as well read them since you already read all this nonsense.

The jury in John Edwards' trial will be deliberating for a seventh day before deciding his fate, which is seven days longer than it took Edwards to come to his decision.

Hackers from the U.S. State Department broke into Yemeni al-Qaeda websites and changed the content recently, trying to shame the terror group for attacking civilians.They also embedded a youtube clip of Rebecca Black's "Friday."

In Olympic News, Tokyo is in the running for the 2020 Summer games. "It is a great pleasure and true honor that Tokyo has been accepted as a candidate city," Tokyo governor Shintaro Ishihara said before setting fire to a mountain of cash.

Comedian Eddie Izzard had to postpone his planned tribute to Nelson Mandela last week. His original goal of running 27 marathons in 27 consecutive days was disrupted by what he called "unforeseen medical complications," or as one doctor put it: "the most foreseeable medical complications in the history of medicine."

Los Angeles bans plastic shopping bags, still okay with plastic funbags.

John Mayer said he once sang a page from 50 Shades of Grey to try and woo a woman. It might have worked, too, had he not been John Mayer at the time.

Next season, the NFL is making knee and thigh-pads mandatory for players. It may impede the players ability to see, however, since I'm assuming they'll be wrapping them around their skulls to prevent Traumatic Brain Injury.

And finally, two homosexual characters from the popular comic X-Men will be getting married. It's a great day for the rights of fictional characters everywhere. Oh, and the comic will not be on sale in North Carolina.

With that, I bid you good night. Or whatever. See you tomorrow! Through your computer's webcam! Which I've been secretly controlling!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 3, 2012

How about some Thursday? Drink it in...

The president of the popular microblog Tumblr resigned this week. Unfortunately, his resignation was reblogged so many times, the unemployment rate went up another 2%.

Blind Chinese dissident Chen Guangcheng accidentally left the U.S. Embassy yesterday while trying to find a bathroom.

North Korean GPS jamming signals interfered with South Korean flights this week, despite the fact that the captain had turned on the "NO GPS Jamming" sign.

This month, France is celebrating the 600th birthday of Joan of Arc with bonfires across the country.

In the U.K., the Ministry Of Defense is preparing for the upcoming Olympics by installing surface-to-air missiles on apartment building around London to protect the events and to facilitate "the most badass triathalon in history."

Edvard Munsch's "Scream" sold at auction yesterday for $120 million, making it the most expensive piece of Home Alone tribute art in the world.

In North Carolina, Cate Edwards left John Edwards' trial in tears when it was revealed that her father is, in fact, John Edwards.

And finally, a new medical study reveals that Taser shots to chest can cause heart attacks, according to world-renowned cardiologist Dr. Obvious.

If you made it through that, I commend you. Come back tomorrow for the multimedia extravaganza.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2012

Oh, Spring. Thanks for the puffy eyes and mucus. It's like a horror movie out there. I had to take a Benadryl last week. Wow. They really should list on the side effects: increased likelihood of telling coworkers exactly what you think of them. Very dangerous. Okay, let's joke it up, y'all.

Chinese technology manufacturing firm Foxcon announced today that thanks to international human rights pressures, they'll be cutting hours and raising salaries for factory workers. You know, if their prices keep going up, they may have to find cheaper labor somewhere else. Like maybe Detroit?

Human media-empire Tyler Perry said yesterday that racial profiling is alive and well among law enforcement agencies. Case in point, the FBI is convinced that every African American person in the U.S. loves Tyler Perry movies.

In India, a couple rejected their newborn baby girl because they were first accidentally handed a baby boy. They're now suing for custody of the boy, proving that no matter where you go in the world, you're bound to find shitty people.

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld laws allowing for strip-searches for even minor offenses, including indecent exposure and public nudity.

British doctors are warning of an increased risk of flu transmission during the summer Olympics, due to the influx of people and viruses from all over the world. As a precaution, organizers are cancelling the 400 Meter Phlegm Relay.

Burmese democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyii announced her new plans for Burma, which is bad news for the police baton industry.

In the UK, citizens are angry over a proposed government electronic spying program, demanding that if their private data is going to be violated like that, they should at least get to play Angry Birds.

And finally, Sarah Palin will be hosting the Today Show this week, leading to the strange realization that for several hours, Kathie Lee will inadvertently be taken seriously.

Okay. Go forth and tell your friends! See you tomorrow, everyone.

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 7, 2011

Happy Thursday, sports fans! You all like sports, right? I hope so.

Speaking of sports, Cowboys receiver Roy Williams is suing his ex-girlfriend to get back the engagement ring he gave her. These days, that's the only way a Cowboy can get a ring.

And Roger Clemens' perjury trial got underway for statements he made about his steroid use. When asked for comment, Clemens said "Clemens mad! SO MAD!" before eating a camera.

In international sports news, the International Olympic Committee voted yesterday on the location of the 2018 Winter Olympics. To put it into Olympics terms, it was the Competitive Bribery event.

Pop singer Jordin Sparks will sing the National Anthem at this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. She's been preparing all week with a strict steroid regimen.

Elsewhere in baseball, Derek Jeter is nearing the 3000 hit mark. Former baseball legend and prodigious hitter Pete Rose said, "I bet he can do it. D'oh! That's not what I meant... Oh, never mind."

In football news, Brett Favre said he may be returning to football next season, leading to speculation that he has amnesia. And, he knows about the lockout, right?

Speaking of lockouts, both the NFL and NBA are facing lockouts for next season, which is great news for the college funds of the children of gambling addicts. Just kidding! They don't have college funds.

And lastly, in news of the insane, anticipation is high in Spain for this year's running of the bulls. Participants have been training by taunting Roger Clemens and Jordin Sparks.

Well, that's all for me this week, but I'll see you again on Monday. Spencer is in tomorrow, so stop by for his funny business. And have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011

It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?

In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.

In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!

The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right  Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.

In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...

In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.

Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!

Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"

Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!

Have a great day!