Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
Showing posts with label richard branson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label richard branson. Show all posts
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011
You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 7, 2011
Hey, is it Thursday already? It is? Well, heck, it's a good thing I've got some jokes for you.
In Italy yesterday, Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial opened and immediately adjourned. Several of the witnesses felt a strange sense of deja vu. Because Silvio is bad at sex.
In Washington State, a statue honoring the late musician Kurt Cobain was unveiled this week. Courtney Love promised she would do her best to ruin it.
Billionaire CEO and adventurer caricature Richard Branson launched a new enterprise called Virgin Ocean to explore the depths of the earth's seas. He also pledged that his next endeavor will be Virgin Time Machine. And he's working on a special formula to turn himself invisible.
Turning to the television, FOX is ending Glenn Beck's daily program, leaving a serious hole in the lives of people who want to be paranoid without being well-informed. FOX is searching for a suitable replacement, but in the meantime the hour will be filled by a goat braying at the camera for a full hour.
Chinese artist Ai Weiwei is under investigation for "economic crimes," leading to the inescapable conclusion that China doesn't understand the art world at all.
The Federal Aviation Administration revealed that another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job. The news is leading many to question the wisdom of giving our air traffic controllers so many turkey sandwiches. Oh, and also making them work insane shifts. Yeah, maybe a salad and a sleep break would be in order.
Finally this week, the Queen of Sweden was injured in New York while avoiding paparazzi. Well, that's just great. Looks like we're going to war with Sweden, too.
That's all for me this week, I do hope you've had as much fun as I did! Please keep coming back for more jokes from Spencer and Earnest, and let your friends know how awesome this blog is with the magical social media buttons below. Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Oh, and congratulations to Spencer! Way to marry up, sir.
In Italy yesterday, Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial opened and immediately adjourned. Several of the witnesses felt a strange sense of deja vu. Because Silvio is bad at sex.
In Washington State, a statue honoring the late musician Kurt Cobain was unveiled this week. Courtney Love promised she would do her best to ruin it.
Billionaire CEO and adventurer caricature Richard Branson launched a new enterprise called Virgin Ocean to explore the depths of the earth's seas. He also pledged that his next endeavor will be Virgin Time Machine. And he's working on a special formula to turn himself invisible.
Turning to the television, FOX is ending Glenn Beck's daily program, leaving a serious hole in the lives of people who want to be paranoid without being well-informed. FOX is searching for a suitable replacement, but in the meantime the hour will be filled by a goat braying at the camera for a full hour.
Chinese artist Ai Weiwei is under investigation for "economic crimes," leading to the inescapable conclusion that China doesn't understand the art world at all.
The Federal Aviation Administration revealed that another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job. The news is leading many to question the wisdom of giving our air traffic controllers so many turkey sandwiches. Oh, and also making them work insane shifts. Yeah, maybe a salad and a sleep break would be in order.
Finally this week, the Queen of Sweden was injured in New York while avoiding paparazzi. Well, that's just great. Looks like we're going to war with Sweden, too.
That's all for me this week, I do hope you've had as much fun as I did! Please keep coming back for more jokes from Spencer and Earnest, and let your friends know how awesome this blog is with the magical social media buttons below. Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Oh, and congratulations to Spencer! Way to marry up, sir.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)