October 13, 2015: No Nudes is Good Nudes

Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.

Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.

Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.

In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.

A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.

In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.

And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.

Friday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2012

Happy Friday, people. And 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100100 01100001 01111001 to all my computer friends. Let's laugh it out.

This week, President Obama pledged to do everything in his power to curb gun violence after the Pentagon assured him that drone strikes don't use guns.

Several cases of the flu in Indiana were traced back to pigs at a county fair, leading organizers to close down the ever-popular "make out with a pig" booth. Sad day.

Mitt Romney went to London this week, and proceeded to piss of the city when he called the city unprepared for the Olympics. Yeah, how embarrassing, when you're on the world stage like that and you're just not ready.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating on her costar/boyfriend this week. She tried to deny it, but of course, no one believed her. Because she's a terrible actress.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un got married in a private ceremony, attended only by family, their closest friends and a low-yield nuclear bomb.

The Romney camp denied that an adviser to the campaign said President Obama didn't understand America's "Anglo-Saxon" heritage. They did clarify that all they were trying to say is that President Obama is way more black than most Americans.

A bunch of bears trashed a luxury home in Bearsville, New York, this week. Presumably after a blond chick trashed their place first.

And finally, film star Jeremy Renner said in an interview that he "accidentally" took Viagra on a recent plane trip. It was the hardest trip he ever took.

Yep, going out on a dick joke. Have a great weekend!