Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.
Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.
Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.
In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.
A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.
In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.
And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.
Showing posts with label playboy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label playboy. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
September 15, 2015: Good, Clean Fun (Unless You're a Refugee)
Over the weekend, Germany instituted stricter border controls to manage the influx of refugees from Austria. They had to bring out the riot police they normally keep in reserve for crowd control at David Hasslehoff concerts.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Yes, I made a Germans-love-David-Hasslehoff joke in 2015. No refunds.
Officials in Munich were concerned about the vast number of refugees relocated to their city. Violence, overflowing sewers, irritatingly loud ethnic music... the refugees had better leave quickly, or they'll be forced to endure all that and more during Oktoberfest.
Speaking of parties, Playboy just released its list of top US party schools, a vital tool for high school students looking to apply to the nation's best programs for pharmaceutical reps.
Nintendo picked a new president yesterday, Tatsumi Kimishima, who was praised by the board for his vision, energy, and ability to punch bricks so hard with his bare hands that coins fly out. Also, he's got the Triforce, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants now.
Kids are getting drunk off of alcohol-based hand sanitizers, according to poison control centers across the country. Still, they're probably better off than the kids in the 90s who had to drink Zima.
China announced plans to visit the dark side of the Moon, sparking a huge upsurge in applications to the country's space program after it was made known that the Moon currently has no smog. Or they're looking forward being the first humans to ever be in a traffic jam on the Moon. You pick.
The IRS says it will no longer accept checks of $100 million or more. But good news! If you have a tax bill of 100 million dollars or more, you're probably going to just spend that money on lobbyists to create loopholes so you don't have to pay anything at all cough cough Apple cough cough.
And finally, Jaguar announced their first ever official off-road vehicle. I say "official," because as any rock-star or Kelsey Grammer knows, any car can be an off-road vehicle if you drink enough.
And on with the show.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011
Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 14, 2011
Jokes commencing in three... two... one... zero... ten... nine... wait, what am I doing? Never mind.
In an attempt to apologize for his homophobic rant this past weekend, actor/nutjob Tracy Morgan said today that even if his son were gay, he'd still love him almost as much as he loves his career in Hollywood.
Casinos in Atlantic City are turning to SEX to attract business. They've got new strip clubs, new burlesque shows, and even an upcoming "naked circus." But they still won't allow you to play the slots without any pants on. Prudes. By the way, "naked circus" means the bear no longer wears his fez. It's pretty scandalous.
Hey, remember Andrew McCarthy, the star of such recent hits as Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's? Well, he is writing a new memoir. It's called For God's Sake: INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY!
Speaking of movies, Harry Potter star Emma Watson recently said "I have had no control over my life" which means, obviously, that an evil wizard has bewitched her. Maybe Andrew McCarthy can help!
In sadder news, Harold Camping, the wacko who predicted the world would end last month, then corrected his prediction to put the apocalypse in October, had a stroke this weekend. Strangely enough, he predicted this stroke, but he thought it would be in January... spooky!
Yesterday, the Pentagon Papers were finally released in their entirety, nearly 40 years after they were initially leaked. Is it just me, or is the Pentagon really bad at stopping leaks?
In more sad news, Education Secretary Arne Duncan may issue waivers to educators to exempt certain children from the "No Child Left Behind" law, although sources confirm that it will only be "the really dumb and really ugly kids."
And lastly, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City announced they will not be airing the new Playboy show on their station. The move surprised other stations, who were quick to ask "you mean we don't have to air these crappy shows they send us?! Oh, man! What a relief!"
Okay, that's all for today! Unless I post more on my Twitter feed later on in the day. What's the link? Well, that would be http://www.twitter.com/soonerseth. You should probably follow my tweets, just to be safe. <---Most ridiculous sentence I've written today that didn't involve Harry Potter.
You know, it's summer. You might want to have some fresh fruit today. Could be delicious. But whatever you decide, I hope you have a great day!
In an attempt to apologize for his homophobic rant this past weekend, actor/nutjob Tracy Morgan said today that even if his son were gay, he'd still love him almost as much as he loves his career in Hollywood.
Casinos in Atlantic City are turning to SEX to attract business. They've got new strip clubs, new burlesque shows, and even an upcoming "naked circus." But they still won't allow you to play the slots without any pants on. Prudes. By the way, "naked circus" means the bear no longer wears his fez. It's pretty scandalous.
Hey, remember Andrew McCarthy, the star of such recent hits as Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's? Well, he is writing a new memoir. It's called For God's Sake: INVEST YOUR MONEY WISELY!
Speaking of movies, Harry Potter star Emma Watson recently said "I have had no control over my life" which means, obviously, that an evil wizard has bewitched her. Maybe Andrew McCarthy can help!
In sadder news, Harold Camping, the wacko who predicted the world would end last month, then corrected his prediction to put the apocalypse in October, had a stroke this weekend. Strangely enough, he predicted this stroke, but he thought it would be in January... spooky!
Yesterday, the Pentagon Papers were finally released in their entirety, nearly 40 years after they were initially leaked. Is it just me, or is the Pentagon really bad at stopping leaks?
In more sad news, Education Secretary Arne Duncan may issue waivers to educators to exempt certain children from the "No Child Left Behind" law, although sources confirm that it will only be "the really dumb and really ugly kids."
And lastly, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City announced they will not be airing the new Playboy show on their station. The move surprised other stations, who were quick to ask "you mean we don't have to air these crappy shows they send us?! Oh, man! What a relief!"
Okay, that's all for today! Unless I post more on my Twitter feed later on in the day. What's the link? Well, that would be http://www.twitter.com/soonerseth. You should probably follow my tweets, just to be safe. <---Most ridiculous sentence I've written today that didn't involve Harry Potter.
You know, it's summer. You might want to have some fresh fruit today. Could be delicious. But whatever you decide, I hope you have a great day!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 21, 2011
You ever have one of those days that turns out to be a Thursday? I think this is going to be one of those. Now, for jokes.
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - February 11, 2011
Well, it will probably be another couple thousand years before Egypt is in the news this much again.
The youth of Egypt were successful this week in getting President Mubarak to step down as leader of the country. They’re jubilant now, but they’re already focused on the future. Their next goal will be getting FX to bring back Terriers.
Speaking of triumphant youths, Chris Brown got his restraining order lifted this week. What that means for him is that he’s allowed to get within 500 feet of radio station programmers and beg for them to play his songs. You may remember Chris Brown as the popular R&B singer who got into a lot of trouble for beating up his girlfriend, Rhianna... or you may not remember him. It’s kind of a toss-up at this point.
Of course, the biggest business story of the week was the sale of the Huffington Post to AOL. Arianna Huffington sold her startup for 330 million dollars and roughly the same number of AOL 7.0 discs. A lot of people don’t realize that AOL has actually transformed itself into a publishing powerhouse over the past couple years. News travels slowly over dial-up.
A number of people came down with a respiratory illness at the Playboy Mansion this week. The most common symptom people reported was trouble moaning. Upon hearing that a bunch of their guests had contracted something but that it was just a respiratory illness, a spokesperson for Playboy said “Whew!” I'm kidding. The spokesman actually ran out of the room to make a doctor's appointment after hearing "contracted something" and never got to "respiratory illness."
That's it. Enjoy your week!
The youth of Egypt were successful this week in getting President Mubarak to step down as leader of the country. They’re jubilant now, but they’re already focused on the future. Their next goal will be getting FX to bring back Terriers.
Speaking of triumphant youths, Chris Brown got his restraining order lifted this week. What that means for him is that he’s allowed to get within 500 feet of radio station programmers and beg for them to play his songs. You may remember Chris Brown as the popular R&B singer who got into a lot of trouble for beating up his girlfriend, Rhianna... or you may not remember him. It’s kind of a toss-up at this point.
Of course, the biggest business story of the week was the sale of the Huffington Post to AOL. Arianna Huffington sold her startup for 330 million dollars and roughly the same number of AOL 7.0 discs. A lot of people don’t realize that AOL has actually transformed itself into a publishing powerhouse over the past couple years. News travels slowly over dial-up.
A number of people came down with a respiratory illness at the Playboy Mansion this week. The most common symptom people reported was trouble moaning. Upon hearing that a bunch of their guests had contracted something but that it was just a respiratory illness, a spokesperson for Playboy said “Whew!” I'm kidding. The spokesman actually ran out of the room to make a doctor's appointment after hearing "contracted something" and never got to "respiratory illness."
That's it. Enjoy your week!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2010
Alright, lets’ get to it.
Due to a massive blizzard on the east coast, hundreds of flights have been cancelled, stranding thousands of passengers across the country. On the upside, the TSA is offering free pat-downs for bored, lonely travelers.
Janet Napolitano announced that in addition to the pat-downs, the full body scanners will remain in place permanently. She did admit that the scanners are unable to detect certain types of explosives, but they’re getting really good at finding nipple piercings.
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