Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Showing posts with label oklahoma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oklahoma. Show all posts
Monday, May 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2012
Better late than never? So sorry, but I fell asleep during the State of the Union last night. Had my own American dream. It's normal that I'm now concerned about all of our talking dog jobs being shipped overseas, right? And that those seas are full of sparkling fish-robots, right? That's normal? As per normal, here's some jokes.
Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.
In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.
At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.
In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.
In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...
American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.
In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.
And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!
Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.
In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.
At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.
In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.
In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...
American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.
In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.
And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012
Happy Monday! Did I say happy? Oh well. Positive attitude, right? Also: jokes.
Anyone who drives in cities knows what a problem parking is, right? Well, in San Francisco, a new smartphone app went online this week that shows drivers where they can find open parking spaces nearby. Not only that, it also automatically calls paramedics when you hit a pedestrian while you're looking down at your phone. That's pretty handy.
Big weekend for movies, too. Thor hit theaters, and at a screening in Glendale, a group of 24 men dressed as vikings invaded the theater, surprising the audience with their hilarious Viking hijinks. The entire audience signed up for Capital One cards. Across the hall, the touring company of Cats was hard at work ruining African Cats and bringing trauma to a theater full of children.
In other animal news, 20-1 longshot horse "Animal Kingdom" won the the Kentucky Derby as well as a one week reprieve from Purina Mills. The unlikely winner, and the massive payout that followed, gave hope to a whole generation of gambling addicts. Kudos!
In Bin Laden news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, and we've got hours and hours of videos recovered from his compound. In response to that news, America's Funniest Home Movies issued a Freedom of Information Act request to release the tapes just on the off chance that the B-roll includes a Bin Laden nut shot. I'd watch that. Repeatedly. In fact, if such a nut shot doesn't exist, the CIA should fabricate one. Wouldn't be the worst thing they've done.
In Catholic news, a leading Catholic magazine this weekend called on the new Archbishop of Wales to learn to speak, read and write in Welsh. Come on, leave the guy alone. He's already spent years learning one worthless language.
In Oklahoma, a man recently caught his wife on tape via hidden camera... setting fires on their property. Not exactly the hot solo action he was hoping for, I'm sure.
In Staten Island, New York, the governing board for a condominium building is blocking attempts to build a wheelchair lift for a young girl with cerebral palsy who lives there with her parents. They want the wheelchair lift to go in the back of the building, rather than the front. Good news, though, if they can't come to an agreement, her parents could always just sell the condo and move on. I happen to know of a woman in Oklahoma who's probably looking for a new place.
And finally, today, word came out that Sir Paul McCartney will be marrying again. This will be the third time for the former Beatle. When asked why he would rush back into matrimony again, he said "well, I've got all this extra money lying around." Better sign a pre-nup, Sir Paul. Remember, last time you lost an arm and a leg.
Okay, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow, I dare you!
In the meantime, have a great day, everyone!
Anyone who drives in cities knows what a problem parking is, right? Well, in San Francisco, a new smartphone app went online this week that shows drivers where they can find open parking spaces nearby. Not only that, it also automatically calls paramedics when you hit a pedestrian while you're looking down at your phone. That's pretty handy.
Big weekend for movies, too. Thor hit theaters, and at a screening in Glendale, a group of 24 men dressed as vikings invaded the theater, surprising the audience with their hilarious Viking hijinks. The entire audience signed up for Capital One cards. Across the hall, the touring company of Cats was hard at work ruining African Cats and bringing trauma to a theater full of children.
In other animal news, 20-1 longshot horse "Animal Kingdom" won the the Kentucky Derby as well as a one week reprieve from Purina Mills. The unlikely winner, and the massive payout that followed, gave hope to a whole generation of gambling addicts. Kudos!
In Bin Laden news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, and we've got hours and hours of videos recovered from his compound. In response to that news, America's Funniest Home Movies issued a Freedom of Information Act request to release the tapes just on the off chance that the B-roll includes a Bin Laden nut shot. I'd watch that. Repeatedly. In fact, if such a nut shot doesn't exist, the CIA should fabricate one. Wouldn't be the worst thing they've done.
In Catholic news, a leading Catholic magazine this weekend called on the new Archbishop of Wales to learn to speak, read and write in Welsh. Come on, leave the guy alone. He's already spent years learning one worthless language.
In Oklahoma, a man recently caught his wife on tape via hidden camera... setting fires on their property. Not exactly the hot solo action he was hoping for, I'm sure.
In Staten Island, New York, the governing board for a condominium building is blocking attempts to build a wheelchair lift for a young girl with cerebral palsy who lives there with her parents. They want the wheelchair lift to go in the back of the building, rather than the front. Good news, though, if they can't come to an agreement, her parents could always just sell the condo and move on. I happen to know of a woman in Oklahoma who's probably looking for a new place.
And finally, today, word came out that Sir Paul McCartney will be marrying again. This will be the third time for the former Beatle. When asked why he would rush back into matrimony again, he said "well, I've got all this extra money lying around." Better sign a pre-nup, Sir Paul. Remember, last time you lost an arm and a leg.
Okay, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow, I dare you!
In the meantime, have a great day, everyone!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everyone! In honor of it being Tuesday, I've written some jokes.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
In Texas, police were baffled by a homemade grenade found on the side of the highway. Then they remembered that it was Texas.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2011
Hoo, boy. It's Tuesday, and we've got a great blog for you. Here's some real things that happened, but with fake stuff added for comedic effect:
The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.
In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.
In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."
In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.
In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.
In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.
China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."
Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!
That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.
Aloha!
The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.
In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.
In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."
In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.
In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.
In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.
China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."
Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!
That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.
Aloha!
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