Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013

Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.

Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.

On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.

In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.

Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."

A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.

I don't know what that means.

A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.

Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"

And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.

And that's it! Later, cats.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2012

It's Wednesday, the day named for weddings. Which now never occur on Wednesdays, making it the most ironic day of the week. Take that, Brooklynsday. You don't believe me? Check it on Wikipedia. Oh, you can't? What a shame. You'll just have to believe me. And read these jokes.

Mitt Romney said yesterday that he pays about a 15% tax rate, or as he calls it, "A Ron Paul." Because Ron Paul is polling at 15% right now. And Mitt Romney's taxes are a joke. Just not a good one.

Speaking of not a good one, Paris Hilton has a second album coming out this year. That's two albums.

Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson just endorsed a new nut-based diet. She says it is way better than old-man-penis diet.

Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang is resigning, looking forward to getting a Gmail account.

In New Jersey, a woman gave birth to child on the PATH train. Congratulations, kid. Everything in your life will be a step up from here.

Kim Jong Un's older half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, said this week that the new North Korean regime won't last long. "Four, five decades, tops."

In Nepal, a police department is under investigation for running a butcher shop out of their precinct. Do I smell a wacky sitcom? No, that's just cat.

And finally, Tim Tebow will be starting next season for the Denver Broncos. Too bad he's not praying for a cure for cancer.

Fin. Until tomorrow! And until then, have a great f#&@ing day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2011

It's day two of my epic struggle with my laptop, and I'm finally getting the hang of this whole smartphone typing thing. For instance, it only took me three tries to type the word "smartphone." Yay. Here's some jokes.

The former king of Romania, King Michael I, addressed the country's parliament for the first time since he abdicated in 1947. In a related story, no one gives a damn when you visit the Waffle House you got fired from in high school.

Eddie Murphy talked yesterday about how nervous he is to host next year's Oscars. He's worried about living up to the historic quality of the ceremony, because he's apparently never seen it.

President Obama visited Los Angeles yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a total standstill. Or as locals call it: traffic.

The New Jersey city of West New York will be hosting a Grand Prix event next year. It's a departure from the normal experience of driving like hell to get a far away from West New York as possible.

This week a judge finalized the divorce between Christina Milian and songwriter/producer The-Dream. The marriage was doomed as soon as Milian learned that yes, he was totally serious about being called The-Dream.

A man flying from Los Angeles to Portland inadvertently packed a loaded gun in his carry-on baggage. TSA screeners didn't spot it, strangely enough, because the gun wasn't a Muslim.

A personal trainer recently set out to gain 70 pounds of fat to better understand his clients and the challenges they face. Lucky for him he's not a rape crisis counselor.

And finally, Rick Perry now says he doesn't know if President Obama's birth certificate is real or not. So that's one more thing that President Obama's birth certificate has in common with science.

Okay, that's the end. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2011

Oh my, it's Tuesday. Remember, no matter how hard you work or how great you are, it's going to be Tuesday all day long. So, just relax. And enjoy these jokes.

Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?

Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.

I'm sorry.

In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.

In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.

A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...

And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.

I'm sorry.

Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.

And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.

Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.

Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!