Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 13, 2012

Nothing you can do about it now. It's Tuesday. And it's gonna be for a while. Hopefully this will help you pass the time.

Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.

Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...

Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.

In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.

In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.

Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.

And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.

...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!

...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.

... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?

... They were on their way back from a night of carousing and debauchery at the local ankle bar.

... Too bad for them there was a Witness to the crash.

... Clearly, somewhere, someone just lost a bet.

... The man is part of a new road safety campaign. "Buckling up isn't just for hats"

... At least his insurance won't go up. Because the Amish can't buy insurance. Because it's against their religion.

... Still way more interesting than NASCAR.

Okay, that's it for today. Let's try again tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 7, 2011

Hey, everyone! You came back! Or came for the first time. Whatever. You're reading, and that's all that matters. And you've made it to the middle of the week. Can you taste the weekend? If you can, you should probably see a neurologist, because you're likely having some sort of gustatory hallucination. Look it up. You've got the Internet. And you've also got these jokes!

Filmmaker Sofia Coppola got married last month in southern Italy. Congratulations to her! Early buzz says that the wedding video is a real tour de force of understated emotional poignancy. I'm sure it's totally not unwatchable.

In other European celebrity news, Tom Jones cancelled a show in London citing "dehydration." Is there any chance that "dehydration" doesn't mean "drunk off his ass?"

In other musical news, pop provocateurs The Flaming Lips announced that the band is working on a six-hour song. The nations pot-dealers say they'll do their best to keep up.

Speaking of Phish, I mean pot, I mean Phish, the legendary jam band will soon be returning to Vermont for a concert to raise money for flood victims. And yes, a Phish concert in a flood zone is the closest most of the fans will come to bathing in the next six months.

Speaking of needing to wash it off, ABC named Ben Flajnik as the next "Bachelor" on the matchmaking show The Bachelor. Flajnik (pronounced "doosh-bag") said he's looking forward to meeting a bunch of women and falling in love with whoever the producers tell him to. Just like our grandparents did...

Regis Philbin announced that he will be leaving Live on November 18th. This corrected an earlier statement that he would be leaving Life on November 18th. That actually isn't scheduled until the end of January. Jay Leno has already started lobbying to replace him. Have I made that joke before? Oh, screw it.

Congress is back in session, finally, so get ready to watch our members of congress work together across party lines to find mutually beneficial answers to all of the nation's problems in Bizarro World. We're screwed.

And finally, Rudy Giuliani said that he will run for President "if things get desperate." Well, Rudy, I think you running for President defines "desperate," so... kinda trailed off there, petered out and didn't finish strong... oh, forget it.

Alright, that's all! Good times for all, right? Hope you enjoyed it. See you again tomorrow, right?!

Till then, have a great day!